CHANGES

Stabler snapped off the radio. He didn't need to hear that, he was living it and it wasn't much fun. He'd liked his old life, and he refused to do a reality check on whether or not it was true. His old life had been comfortable. Work, kids, wife. Occasionally, they had a barbecue, and he usually attended all of it.

"Are you okay, Elliot?"

"Yeah." Stabler shrugged. "It's selling the house."

Benson nodded, but didn't answer. She knew he was upset about it all, and she knew he didn't want to hear any advice or condolences. He pulled into a parking space and turned off the engine.

"Ready to do this?"

"More than." Stabler was out of the car and moving. He'd think about it all later. Right now, he had a job to do.

********

Toby spent more time stretching than usual and ran slower, but he was going. He was tired of walking. It was time to run or at least pick it up into a jog. His disappointment at his weakness lodged in his chest and stuck there, so he pushed himself. When his leg told him to stop, he found a tree to sit under and wiped his face with his towel. Damn. He was pathetic.

"Give yourself a break, Beech."

Toby laughed softly. How long would Chris whisper to him? Forever? It was getting on towards five years, and yet, Chris showed no signs of leaving. It might be time to tell Dr. Huang about him. Toby knew it was his guilty subconscious trying to influence him. Chris wasn't really there or here. It only seemed real. Toby was nuts. That was a given. He had been for years, but he managed to slide through polite society with only occasional lapses of good judgment.

"Wimp out?" Chris again.

Toby had had about enough of Chris Keller for one day. "Fuck off, Chris!"

A big fist jerked him up off the grass. "Excuse me?"

"Fuck!" Toby about pissed himself. Keller had him! No. No. "Stabler?"

"Have you lost your mind?"

"You ask me that a lot. I'd think the answer would be obvious by now." Toby gasped with relief when Stabler put him down. His leg held, and he rubbed it. "Sorry."

Stabler glared at him. "I don't ever want to hear that from your mouth again."

The toughest guys in Oz had intimidated Toby, and Stabler did look menacing, but there was an easy way to handle this. "It was an accident. Back off."

Stabler stuck his hands in his pockets. "Oz put that coldness in your voice. That 'I'll shank you' tone. It's ugly."

Toby had heard enough. Stabler had tracked him down to harass him. Nice, but the foreplay was over. "Don't you have a job, Detective?"

"Yes. We need your help." Stabler turned away. "Move it."

Toby grabbed his towel and walked after him, not too fast. Stabler was in rare form, but he could wait a damn minute because Toby wasn't going to injure his leg running after him. "How's Munch and the gang?"

"I'm sure you know," Stabler growled.

Toby didn't understand that, and he began to wish he'd brought his cane. Stabler would not slow down. Fuck it. Toby went at his own pace. He had to or risk more inflammation. Stabler came back to him and glared. Toby shrugged. "Get over it."

"Why did you run so far, if you couldn't make it back?" Stabler's eyes were dark. Was he sleeping? What the fuck was going on with him?

"Pride." Toby stopped and rubbed his leg. "Are you on a tight schedule?"

Stabler put his hands on his hips. "No. I just don't want to wait while you limp home!"

"Fuck off!" Toby braced himself for a fight. "I got this leg doing your fucking dirty work!"

"Damn, Toby." Stabler pulled his head back in surprise. He rubbed his eyes. "Look. I'm sorry. I haven't been sleeping-"

"Cry me a fucking river. Go get your fucking car!" Toby pointed. "Stupid hack."

Stabler turned and left him. He'd get the car and come get him or drive over him, one or the other. Toby sat down on a bench and waited. Cops could drive in the park, but Stabler was so tired his brains had turned to mush. Toby sighed. He had to get a grip. Provoking Stabler could only lead to a bad place - a bad place called Oz. Stabler looked exhausted. Toby would shut up and let this play out. Maybe Benson could tell him what was going on.

His light flashing, but no siren, Stabler pulled up, and Toby got in. Toby looked at him. "I'm easy, but not cheap."

Stabler rolled his eyes. "Get picked up in the park a lot?"

"Enough." Toby buckled and didn't watch as Stabler took him home. Getting out of the car, Toby expected Stabler to wait on the street, but he got out also. Toby headed straight for the shower.

Stabler went for the couch to watch TV. "I'd have come over sooner if I'd have known you had this."

Toby shut the door harder than necessary. Stabler would never come over and see him, unless the badge was involved.

********

Stabler flipped until he found a game and tried to calm down. He was tired, running off at the mouth, and dangerously close to punching Beecher in the face. Beecher couldn't be forced to do anything. He'd fight back every time. Stabler glanced down at the floor and tried not to remember Beecher sitting next to him. It didn't work. Beecher had sat there like a good dog and bled for his master. It had been sickening. Stabler reached under the couch and check for a shank, but it was clean. He nodded in satisfaction and listened to the shower run. He knew exactly what Beecher looked like naked. It irked him. They were too close.

Beecher came out in a towel and went to dress. He returned with his cane in hand. "I'm ready."

"Still need the cane, huh?"

"I have a shank in it." Beecher's eyes glinted dangerously. He was limping, ever so slightly. "Let me call my brother first."

Stabler heard the mild rebuke. Beecher was such a lawyer. Stabler shut off the TV and went to his car. He leaned against the hood and breathed. Control. Control. Beecher always pushed him, but not this time because he was right on the edge of going over.

********

Toby locked his door and ignored Chris laughing. Chris found this situation hilarious and commented on it frequently. Toby would shank him, again, if it would shut him up. Stabler looked up from his contemplation of the concrete and got in the driver's side. For a brief moment, he'd looked almost vulnerable, and Toby gripped his cane tighter. There wasn't much between them but hard feelings and blood. He breathed and tried not to worry. Stabler was a cop, one of the good guys. Right.

"Dr. Huang wants to talk to you first."

"Fine." Toby still met with him every month, occasionally more than that. "Can you believe this weather?"

Stabler shot him a look. "It has been hot."

"Yes." Toby was glad when the car stopped. Stabler still drove like he was on crack. Toby limped, not much, but enough to hurt his pride, after him into the station house. It wasn't lost on him that they went in through the front and he had to pass through a metal detector.

"You can keep the cane." The officer frowned.

"Thanks." Toby wanted to smack the young man with it. Idiot cop - either keep out weapons or don't. Stabler smiled at him. Toby didn't like that at all. "What?"

"A shank. Right."

Toby shrugged. "I'm a liar. Most alcoholics are." He smiled - the fake one. "Can we go to work?"

Stabler led the way, but Huang caught them in the hallway. "Toby. Glad you're here."

"Really?" Toby knew Stabler wasn't. "What's so urgent that Stabler had to bitch slap me down here?"

Huang fixed Stabler with a look. "We discussed this."

"I didn't touch him," Stabler lied convincingly and walked off. Toby thought it was interesting that Huang had taken the time to discuss tactics with Stabler. "Toby, let's talk in the lounge."

"Sure." Toby went with him. "What's going on?"

Huang got him a Coke first and sat down next to him. "I need your help."

"You look embarrassed about it." Toby popped it open and took a drink. "Why?"

"This young man came in and filed a complaint against his lover." Huang looked away and then back. "A rape charge."

Toby jumped ahead. "You think he's lying?"

"Yes. I do. There's no bruising or physical evidence. I think he's hoping for a quick settlement from his rich lover. He's got all the classic symptoms, but they ring false." Huang sighed. "Stabler and Benson want to make an arrest. I asked them to hold off until you'd spoken to him."

"What the hell can I do?" Toby was out of his depth and knew it. "Something small, I hope."

Huang paused. He obviously was having second and third thoughts about this. "First, I want you to observe him while I talk with him."

"That isn't all." Toby had a bad feeling about this. "You want me to lead him down the primrose path?"

"In a manner of speaking. Lull him. Get him to admit to you that it's a scam." Huang held out his hands. "It's all I've got."

"If he were in a holding cell, I'd have a chance, but in an interrogation room? No way. He'll smell a rat." Toby shook his head. "It won't work."

Huang sighed. "I'm open to suggestions."

"Let Stabler play bad cop. It'll scare the truth out of the guy." Toby tapped his cane on the floor.

"And if he's telling the truth, we've traumatized him." Huang shook his head.

"His lover's rich?"

"Very."

Toby thought about that. "If this guy is desperate for money, I could work that angle."

"Let's do the interview, and then we can proceed from there." Huang stood up. "You don't have a problem with this?"

"Not yet, but I'm not bleeding." Toby shrugged at him. "Off the record, I think Stabler's right on the verge of hurting someone."

"I agree." Huang opened the door, and that brought the conversation to an end. Toby went behind the glass while Huang went in the room. Benson was already there, and it was good to see her. It had been awhile.

"Hi, Olivia." Toby kept his eyes on the room.

"Hey, Toby." She stepped close until they were shoulder to shoulder. "How's your leg?"

"I carry this as a fashion statement." Toby almost gave her a hug, but it wouldn't look good. He wanted to ask her about Stabler, and he couldn't. They watched, listened, and didn't talk. Huang did a thorough job.

Benson snapped off the speaker. "What's your opinion?"

"He's a liar." Toby had decided it early on and seen nothing to contradict it. "He's pulling a scam, but your hands are tied. Go make an arrest."

"Are you sure?" Benson shook her head. "He's gay so he wouldn't have the reactions that a straight guy would."

"Really?" Toby smiled at her. "Rape is rape. You know that. Give me ten minutes with him in a storage closet and his story would change."

"Toby!"

Stabler was suddenly there. Toby registered him as a threat, and he instinctively lifted his cane. Thank God, sanity clicked in before Stabler had to kill him.

"Toby thinks the guy's lying."

"That's two for and two against." Stabler shrugged. "A complaint has been filed. Let's do our job."

Toby nodded. That way he could go home. This was none of his business. He looked through the glass again. Wait. The guy was- "Stabler, did you search him?"

"He's not a perp!"

"He's got drugs on him." Toby pointed. "What a fucking idiot."

Stabler was gone in a blink, and Toby had to admit the guy was competent when it came to searching a man's body. Benson clicked the sound back on. Toby nearly laughed at the cursing.

"How'd you know?" Benson touched him gently on the arm.

"Trade secret." Toby liked her. He did. They were friends, but that was all, and she didn't want more. They'd had fun though. "Your earrings look good."

"I still say they were too much."

"Hope in Oz is priceless." Toby laughed softly. "Anyway, they give you some jizz around here."

"I'm not sure I want to know what that means. Now what do we do with the little liar?" She didn't need an answer, and she gave him a peck on the cheek. "Stabler needs a friend."

"I don't think that's me." Toby wanted that, but he didn't think it could happen.

"You're wrong. Trust me." Benson went to give Stabler a hand, and Toby went to find Huang. Case closed. Toby could go home and lift weights.

"What's going on?" Huang was coming to get him.

"He had drugs on him. Stabler is frisking him." Toby wished Stabler would frisk him - repeatedly. "I think this will resolve itself."

"I think you're right." Huang stuck out his hand. "Thanks for your help."

"I didn't do much." Toby shook Huang's hand and started for the squad room. He was going to regret this, but he'd do it. It wouldn't kill him. It might hurt a little, and Chris was laugh, and his brother would think he was crazy, but what the fuck. He wrote out a quick message and taped it to Stabler's computer screen.

"Hey Toby, shank anybody lately?"

"Couple of fuck hacks, but they deserved it." Toby turned to Munch. "You shoot anyone?"

"Some rich guy, but he was a prick."

"We all are." Toby got moving towards home before he had to speak to Stabler again.

*********

Stabler tore the note off his computer, read it, and tossed it down. He didn't have time, and he didn't want to talk to Beecher.

Benson picked it up and read it. "You should go."

"Why? So Beecher can laugh at me?" Stabler sat down and started the paperwork.

"Toby rarely smiles and laughs."

"He saves them all for you." Stabler smiled at her. He didn't give a shit, and he didn't have time for this.

Benson cocked her head at him. "He and I are friends, nothing more."

Munch had to walk up and start talking. "I wish he'd take me out - the limo, the cash, and the fine cuisine!"

Benson laughed. "I have no privacy. You ran the plates!"

"Maybe." Munch smiled. "We were protecting you against the lure of the rich man."

"Right." Benson looked disgusted.

Stabler had heard enough about Beecher for a week or two. "Let's pretend we're cops for the rest of the day."

Munch went away, and Benson gave him a smile. "Go talk to him. He was deeply affected by that Nazi."

Stabler looked at her, but said nothing. She handed the note back to him and he stuffed it in his pocket. He'd think about it. Maybe.

********

Toby didn't hold his breath. He wasn't sure he cared. "Angus, just so you know. I invited Stabler over to watch the game."

"Why? He can't afford a TV?" Angus wandered to the window. He was casually dressed today - khakis and a golf shirt. Jeans weren't his style.

"Dad! When's the game?" Harry came barreling through the apartment.

Toby grabbed him. "Don't run. About thirty minutes. Go turn on the pre-game show."

"Sure!" Harry could work any piece of electronic equipment. The plasma screen was no challenge for him. Toby glanced at Angus and felt a sudden pang. That 'Dad' hadn't been meant for him. Harry called Angus 'Dad,' and Toby was, well, Toby. It didn't hurt him, not much. Harry had spent six years with Genevieve's parents before returning. When Toby's first parole had been broken, Angus had become 'Dad,' and he'd earned it.

"He knows you’re his father," Angus said softly.

"You're his father. Don't argue about it." Toby grabbed up the chips and took them to the coffee table. Angus brought the dip and soda. Harry started eating immediately. Toby went back for napkins and plates. The pizza would get here in about an hour. "What are the girls doing today?"

"Shopping. Of course. Oh, and their nails." Angus laughed. "I thought we could skip that."

"I like a nice manicure." Toby examined his nails. Chris whispered something, but Toby didn't listen. "Or maybe it's the cute girls I like."

"Toby, that's gross." Harry laughed at him. Toby stuck out his tongue at him.

Angus pulled him aside. "Why did you invite Stabler?"

"I'm not sure. I saw him the other day. We had words. I was trying to make nice." Toby shrugged. "You mind?"

"I'm not sure about him. Is he a friend?"

"I have no idea." Toby didn't want to think about it closely. He had thought maybe so after that Nazi bastard beat him, but Stabler had gone back to work the next day, and that had been it. Toby had done something wrong. They weren't friends. Not exactly. He heard the knock on the door. "Come in!"

Stabler came in with an attitude that reeked of awkwardness, but he had beer. "Game on yet?"

Toby nearly laughed. Stabler was going to ignore the human element in this afternoon and concentrate on the game. Well, it was for the best. "Not yet. Harry, this is Elliot Stabler."

Harry smiled. "Hi! You're that detective!"

"Yeah." Stabler put the beer in the fridge. "How are you, Angus?"

"Good." Angus glanced at Toby as if to say, 'What were you thinking?'

Toby shrugged. "Harry saw you on the news. I pointed you out and told him -"

"To study hard, go to Harvard, and avoid being a cop?" Stabler's voice could have stripped paint off the walls.

"Actually, I mentioned that you help people and that's admirable." Toby nearly blushed. "Game's on and pizza will be here soon."

Angus made sure Harry got a plate, and Stabler drank some beer. Stabler looked beyond tired. "Who did you bet on?"

Toby got water to drink. "I never bet on a sure thing."

********

Stabler felt too big for his skin, but this was no big deal. He could sit around and watch the game with the Beecher boys. Harry looked like Beecher, but he called Angus 'Dad.' Obviously, the family was complicated. Prison would do that. Stabler noticed that Beecher managed not to curse. Angus bought the pizza, and Harry ate most of it. Stabler held back until it was obvious that Beecher was smirking about it.

"Have you been back to the doctor for your leg?" Angus asked Beecher. Stabler was curious about that too, and all these Beecher's were making his head hurt. He made the conscious decision to think of them as Angus and Beecher.

Beecher shook his head. "Nothing they can do and I won't take pain pills."

"Good decision," Angus said. "How about steroids?"

"They make me jittery, and I'm bad enough without that." Beecher didn't seem to care all that much about his leg. "It'll heal, and the cane makes me look distinguished."

Stabler wasn't going to comment. Harry laughed and bragged, "You should see Toby spin it!"

Beecher looked away. "I had time to practice."

"Good to know Toby can always get a job as a baton twirler." Stabler smiled. He couldn't resist a small jab.

Angus shot him a dirty look. "Pays more than you make."

Beecher got to his feet and grabbed the last piece of pizza. "I already have a career as a slacker. You guys shut up."

Harry laughed behind his hand. "I definitely don't want to be a lawyer!"

Stabler gave him a high five. Angus glared, and Beecher covered his eyes. "We still have Holly, Angus."

Angus smiled. "She's gonna kill someday."

"Someday soon." Beecher nodded. "Your two will be teachers, don't you think?"

Stabler tried to listen and watch the game. Harry talked non-stop. It didn't help.

"They're only five! I think we can pray they turn out to be lawyers or at least teach lawyers at Harvard." Angus laughed.

Beecher leaned closer to his brother. "How'd that case plead out on Friday?"

Angus shot Stabler a look. "Later. Monday, we'll have lunch."

"Okay." Beecher nodded.

Stabler felt like he should raise his hand to get a word in edgewise, but the less he knew about their law firm, the better. "You have twins?"

"Irish twins." Beecher began laughing. It was honest laughter. Stabler raised his eyebrows. It wasn't something he'd seen before today.

Angus blushed. "My girls are eleven months apart."

"Wow. You didn't fool around." Stabler was impressed.

"Yeah. Yeah, he did." Beecher got up and went towards the bathroom. Stabler went to get another beer and he leaned against the countertop. This was his third, and he was stopping. Angus and Harry stayed with the half time show. Beecher came out and walked over to him. "Thanks for stopping by."

"You have a real TV now." Stabler made a joke of it. He had to. "You've been busy with Benson anyway."

"We only went out three times," Beecher practically growled at him. "She's nice, and we're friends."

Stabler stared at him, waiting for him to brag about getting laid and moving on. When Beecher didn't, Stabler cracked, "Munch wants to date you next."

"He liked the limo." Beecher's eyes sparkled. "I'll take him to lunch, just to fuck with him."

"Don't curse in front of Harry," Stabler whispered. "Ya dummy."

"Sorry. It slipped out." Beecher smiled at his son. "He's a good boy, and he's going to be a lawyer. I'm thinking criminal defense."

"Lord help us." Stabler groaned. He drank some more beer. "Johnson treating you okay?"

"It's fine." Beecher lowered his head. "Hard to believe he was a CO."

Stabler knew what Beecher meant. "He's tough when he has to be. You're easy, remember?"

Beecher smirked and went back to his son and the game. Stabler trailed after him. The score was tied.

********

Toby didn't snap off the TV when the game was over. He changed the channel to the other game. Stabler obviously liked that decision, but Angus gave Toby the look.

"Gotta go?"

"Getting out of the city is never easy." Angus got up and stretched. "Harry, make sure you have your stuff."

Harry groaned, but started for the bedroom. He'd spent the night. Toby had enjoyed every minute it of it, and he hoped that Harry had also. "Thanks, Angus, for letting him come alone this time."

"He needs it. Holly is overwhelming."

"She is. I love that about her." Toby stood and pulled his brother towards the windows. "I mean it. Thanks."

Angus gave him a quick hug. "You worry too much. They love you."

"Okay." Toby concentrated on getting his son and brother back towards home. Stabler ignored it all until they were almost out the door and then he made the effort to be polite. Harry liked him. Toby could tell. He shut the door behind them, and Stabler went back to the game. Toby eyeballed the mess and decided to have some more chips. "Steelers or Browns?"

"Steelers." Stabler was on his fourth beer, not that Toby was counting. "Angus has his two and your two?"

"Yes. The court gave him full custody after my parole was revoked." It didn't hurt to say it, not any longer. "I screwed up."

"No kidding." Stabler glanced over at him. "You could-"

"No," Toby interrupted. "No. Ten years was too long. I'm not their father. I forfeited that right."

Stabler studied the game. He was probably thinking of something to say that would twist the knife deeper. "What's your daughter say about that?"

Toby fought back the surprise so it didn't show on his face. "Holly has had a rough time with all of this, but the years with Angus and Mary have been good ones. She loves me, but it's a cautious love. She knows I might disappear again."

Stabler nodded. "I think my kids feel the same. I'm there and then I'm not for days at a time. It's like they want to count on me, but they know they can't."

Toby had to wonder if that was the beer talking. It wasn't the same, at all, but he could see similarities. They were two fathers that had let their kids down.

"Toby, you know you want him," Chris said. He was staring out the window at the park, and he turned Stabler's beautiful smile on him. "Go for it."

"Fuck," Toby whispered. He was so screwed up in his head.

"Yep." Stabler didn't smile at him. Thank God. "How'd you know that guy was a drug addict?"

Toby ate some chips first. "Since you've read my file, you can't think less of me. He was worried that he'd be at the station too long, so he had a hit up his sleeve."

"Both of them." Stabler shrugged. "I don't think less of you."

"What the fuck does that mean? I'm so low there's no room to go?" Toby made sure to keep his voice mild, but he'd felt that shot go right to his gut. He didn't know why he'd hoped Stabler that respected him, but he had. Now he knew better, and he'd keep that knowledge close to his heart. No use trying for the unattainable, and really, Stabler was too good for him.

Stabler finished his beer, belched, and watched the game. The silence was thick. Toby gave up and went to get a trash bag. Hacks were all alike, even fancy detectives. He didn't care. Damn it. Stabler handed him the pizza box. "Don't act like a pussy bitch, Beech."

Toby stared at him. Was that Chris or Stabler talking? He wasn't sure. His psychosis was in full bloom today. "Okay. Whatever." He cleaned up the mess quickly. Stabler helped, a little, but mostly, he watched the game and drank his beer. It smelled good and would taste better on Stabler's lips.

"You over all that Nazi shit?" Stabler sounded half-asleep. His beer was empty, and he sat it down on the coffee table. "Benson said I should ask."

Toby knew Stabler was half in the bag now. "Yes. Why don't you relax? You can't drive home."

"Good idea," Stabler said softly. His eyes fluttered shut, and the football game went on without him. Toby tossed the bottle and went to stare out the window. He wished he were drunk.

********

Stabler woke up with a start. The plasma screen reminded him of where he was, and he groaned. "Damn. I gotta piss." He didn't expect an answer and the apartment was silent. Getting up took a moment, but he made it there. He wasn't completely steady on his feet. It had to be lack of sleep, not the beer. After washing his hands, he went to find Beecher, or was it Toby now? Stabler wasn't sure. He liked to keep people in categories, but Tobias Beecher defied all that. Some of this, a little of that, and lots of unexpected things kept cropping up. The man was an alcoholic, an addict, a skel, lawyer, hater of all things Nazi, a father, and a guy that would go out of his way to help a stranger. None of it made sense. Beecher didn't fit in any boxes, not for long.

Stabler was the first to admit he liked things more black or white than gray. It certainly didn't help that Beecher swam both ways, neither fish nor fowl. "Damn."

"Here's some Tylenol." Beecher handed them to him with water.

Stabler took them quickly and rubbed his eyes. "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to lift some weights." Beecher, in his shorts and damn little else, went to his weight bench. "Don't even think about driving away."

"I'm not an idiot." Stabler wanted the words back immediately, but it was too late. He put the cool glass against his forehead. "I usually have a harder head."

Beecher didn't answer. He was doing bench presses. If he had reached the end of his hospitality, Stabler wouldn't be surprised. Stabler checked his watch. It was after seven. Wow, he'd slept, and he hadn't been doing that lately. Beecher racked the weights. "Why don't you go back to the bed? You look like hell."

"Thanks," Stabler said dryly, "but I'm not sleeping with you."

"Stupid cop." Beecher shrugged. "I don't waste my time where I'm not wanted. Go sleep. I promise you that I will kick your ass to the curb in the morning."

Stabler stalked over to the weight set. "Excuse me for not being gay!"

Beecher lay back down and started another set. His blue eyes looked angry, but he kept an easy rhythm and breathed correctly. Stabler moved behind him to spot him, just in case. Beecher put them down easily and leaned up. "Fuck you."

"I waited for that?" Stabler laughed. "Wasn't Benson enough for you? Now you have to sleep with her partner as well?"

Beecher roared up, and Stabler could do exactly nothing about getting out of the way. Hitting the floor was a shock, and he gave himself a second to feel the pain before getting to his feet to kill Beecher.

"Stabler, wait!" Beecher raised his hands.

Stabler reached for him. "I don't think so."

"Don't hit my face. That's all I ask. I have to see Johnson in two days." Beecher was serious. "Please."

Stabler shoved him against the wall. "You hit a police officer, and now you want favors? You're crazy!"

Beecher stayed against the wall. Now fear was settling in on his face. He knew he'd screwed up. "You're right. You want me to face the wall?"

Stabler had the insane feeling that he was being manipulated with honesty, and he didn't like it. He took a deep breath, rubbed his jaw, and stepped back. "No. I earned that."

"You really shouldn't talk about your partner that way. I might hit you, but she'd cut your balls off."

"I know." Stabler moved farther away. "Do your next set."

Beecher came off the wall slowly. He expected to be hit, and his next set wasn't as perfect. Stabler watched Beecher's hands shake. They were a pair of idiots - big mouths and no brains. Beecher sat up. "Sorry I lost my temper."

"No, you're not. You loved it, and you figure you owed me at least one." Stabler glared at the prick. "Right?"

"I am sorry I lost my temper, but I did enjoy hitting you." Beecher got some hand weights and starting working on his back. "A perfect ending to a lovely day."

Stabler had to laugh. "I need another beer."

"There's one left. I licked it." Beecher grinned at him. Stabler went to get it anyway. He popped it open and took a big drink. Beecher needed some clothes on, not that Stabler was looking.

"You and Benson didn't . . ." Stabler let it fade away.

"That is none of your business." Beecher put the weight down gently. "Ask her if you want answers. Prick. And I've never dreamed of fucking you."

Stabler now had more information than he wanted. He took his beer back to the couch and got comfortable. Words unsaid lingered in the air, and Stabler knew what Beecher dreamed of at night.

********

Toby worked all his upper body before getting water and sitting down to breathe. Sweat trickled down his spine, and he'd take a shower soon. Stabler was quiet, sitting with his beer and watching the news. Did he regret coming here? Most likely. Toby rubbed his knuckles. Stabler had a jaw made of iron.

"When you sat there at my feet, it was the most sickening thing I've ever done as a police officer." Stabler put his beer down. "I've tuned up my fair share of suspects, but that was disgusting."

Toby was shocked at the honesty. "I didn't much like it either."

"But you did it. You swallowed your considerable pride and took it." Stabler looked at him now. "It's been hard to forget."

"I know you were ashamed, but it was no worse than that day in Natalini's office." Toby told his own truth reluctantly. It would make Stabler angry.

Stabler stood up. "If I hadn't played it that way, you'd have gone back to Oz. Natalini was looking for an excuse. For some reason, just the sight of you pisses him off."

Toby shut up about it. He'd heard that twice, and he still didn't believe it. Stabler had enjoyed that scene at Natalini's, but he'd gotten Toby a new parole officer, so they were square. "Let's forget it. Want some dinner?"

"You cook?" Stabler's eyes narrowed suspiciously. He already thought that Toby was gay.

"Some. I live alone." Toby wiped his sweaty hand through his hair. "I'm going to take a shower first. Will you be here when I come out?"

"Yeah, but if you come out naked, I'm running." Stabler went to watch TV.

Toby tried to figure out why exactly Stabler was here while he was in the shower. Nothing came to him. He got dressed and went to cook a quick meal. Stabler didn't offer to help, but that was fine. Toby sat at the counter and flipped through a magazine. Part of his brain wanted to believe that was Chris sitting over there, waiting for dinner. Of course, if Chris were here, they'd be fucking and then going out to knock over a liquor store. Toby leaned into his hand.

"You don't talk much, do you?" Stabler came over to the counter.

Toby shrugged. He talked too much to Chris. "Got out of the habit, I suppose. I am curious as to why you look like hell, but I'm not brave enough to ask."

Stabler rubbed his face, pulled out the other bar stool and sat down. "My wife left me."

"And?" Toby had known that.

"She isn't changing her mind."

"They usually don't." Toby stirred, check, and returned to his magazine. "Mine took one look at my ass and filed for divorce the next day."

Stabler was quiet for a moment. "Before or after you got branded?"

Toby looked up and saw the glint of mischief. "I have a great half of an ass."

"I haven't checked."

"Benson said you did." Toby got up to put the plates and silverware on the counter.

Stabler rubbed his jaw. "You got a good right hand. So, now I'm trying to sell the house, find another place, decide if I want to move closer to the kids, and all that crap that I'd rather not do. I just wish she'd change her mind."

Toby served the food. It wasn't fancy. "You don't love her, do you?"

"I know I did." Stabler started eating. Toby got him water to drink. The beer was gone. Stabler took it. "Thanks."

"No problem, but I'm not doing your laundry."

"Why would you?" Stabler didn't get it.

Toby hated to explain, but he did. "In prison, a man's bitch does the cleaning, laundry, and I think you know the rest."

"So you did your share of laundry."

"And more." Toby flipped his fork around with his fingers. "Did you do the laundry?"

"No. My wife says I didn't do anything, even show up." Stabler took another biscuit. "I guess the money wasn't enough."

Toby wouldn't know about that. "You're in transition. Gotta find a half-way house and then a new life."

"You're comparing my marriage to prison." Stabler drank some water. "What about your wife?"

Toby hesitated to tell the truth. "She killed herself." It wasn't easy to say. Hell, it still wasn't easy to believe.

Stabler's eyes widened. He looked away and then back quickly. "I'm sorry."

"Thanks. It was rough to find out in prison." Toby didn't want to discuss it any further. His weakness had made him vulnerable to Chris and set so many things in motion.

"Were you in love with Chris Keller?"

The question came out of nowhere and struck hard. Toby finished his meal before answering, "Still am."

"Bullshit."

Toby nodded. "I know it's sick. That's why I see a shrink. The love won't die, and I've tried to kill it for years. It's like, um, mold or something. Keeps creeping over me."

"Keller loved himself."

"A lot," Toby agreed. "He also loved me. Did you know that when they make a sword in Japan, they fold the metal over and over again before quenching it in the water? That was our love."

Stabler furrowed his brow. "You got folded?"

"A hundred times, baby." Toby took the plates to the sink, rinsed them, and put them in the small dishwasher. "I feel like your bitch tonight."

"And?"

"Ah, doesn't seem to bother me." Toby knew that was a bad sign. He was falling in love with Stabler, for no good reason, and despite all the harsh words. Shit. He was a fool.

"If it did, you'd be cursing."

They both laughed softly. Toby pointed at his cell phone. "Let me call you a limo."

"What?" Stabler shook his head. "The Rat Squad would begin investigating tomorrow."

"Rat Squad?" It was Toby's turn to be confused.

"Slang for the Internal Affairs - they investigate whether or not we're dirty." Stabler stood up. "I gotta use the head."

"Thanks for the update." Toby wiped down the cabinet. He shut his eyes and Chris was instantly there - his smile, his hands, and his needs. It was always Chris.

"Turn it loose, Toby." Chris smiled at him. "Just let it go."

Toby didn't think that was possible, but Chris was rarely wrong. He heard Stabler come out, and he said, "Tell me one thing."

"Maybe."

"After the hospital, you brought me home, and I thought, I guess I thought, we were going to be friends. Did I fuck up somehow?" Toby prepared himself for scorn.

Stabler put his hands on his hips and looked stubborn. "Friends call each other. You didn't."

Toby wasn't surprised. It had been on him. "Yeah. I'm not good at that friend shit. My fault."

Stabler started fishing in his pockets. "Where are my car keys?"

"I hid them." Toby shrugged. "You were tipsy as a girl on prom night."

"Hand them over." Stabler held out his hand. "And I wasn't drunk."

Toby dug them out of the fridge and tossed them to him. "Still not friends. I think ten years of prison damages a man's ability to socialize properly. I should ask Dr. Huang about it."

"Do that." Stabler headed for the door. "Thanks for having me over. Dinner was good."

"Stop by any time." Toby meant that, but it sounded stupid. He locked the door and leaned against it - no good night kiss for him. Friends. Dumb idea.

*********

Stabler sat in his car before starting it. He hadn't called or stopped by after he'd taken Beecher home from the hospital because of the shame. His shame. Beecher had needed a friend, and Stabler had let him down. Beecher had taken the blame. He did that. He assumed it was his fault. It made it easy, but Stabler was honest enough to know the truth. He turned over the ignition and drove home, or what would be someone else's home soon.

"Stabler."

"You home?" Beecher asked.

"Yes, Mother Beecher." Stabler snapped it shut and threw it on the sofa. He took two more Tylenol and went up to bed. He'd never checked out Beecher's ass. He was straight, damn it, and he was going to stay that way. Stripping out of his jeans, he threw them hard and ripped off his shirt. His bed was cold and lonely. He could have stayed at Beecher's and had some company. Groaning, he rubbed his eyes and tried not to think about what he wanted, what he couldn't have, and what worried him. Beecher's blue eyes laughed at him, and Stabler rolled to his stomach. Maybe it wasn't laughter, and that was what worried him. He flashed back to the night he'd bandaged Beecher's beaten body, and shame roiled over him again. Shame wasn't something he wanted to feel, and he usually didn't, but Beecher had been beat because of him. Beecher wanted him. Beecher should hate him. It all rolled together and was getting harder to ignore. Damn. Stabler brushed his hand over his dick but refused to satisfy his urges. The reason was simple: he was afraid of who would be against his eyelids.

********

Toby handed Tom some coffee. "How are you today?"

"Pretty good." Tom smiled. "Finally, I feel like everything's in working order."

"I'm glad." Toby sipped his own mug, and they moved to the couch. "I managed to jog yesterday. It was a victory, of sorts."

Tom nodded. "I know what you mean. Can I ask you something?"

Toby had dreaded this question, but he'd known it was coming. "Sure."

"I googled your name." Tom flushed slightly. Toby put his coffee down so he didn't throw it out the window. He hadn't expected that, and now this conversation might go anywhere. Tom finished, "Are you on parole?"

"Yes." That question was weird, but it could have been worse. "Does it bother you?"

"No, not really. I know you're one of the good guys." Tom was sincere. "I just wondered why you helped the police. That guy who - well, you know - that was the guy who did that to you. Right?"

Toby rubbed his forehead. "It's complicated, Tom. Ten years ago, I was right where you are today. I'd been branded and raped by a Nazi. The difference is that I was in prison and couldn't go to the hospital. Stabler asked me to talk to you, help you find the strength to make a full report and do a sketch. I agreed."

"So you lied."

"Yes." Toby didn't squirm. He wasn't embarrassed. He'd do it all over again.

"But you were attacked. You still limp. Explain it to me." Tom was calm. He was drinking his coffee, and his lack of anger was reassuring.

Toby sketched in roughly what had happened, and he tried to ignore the small winces from Tom. When he was finished, he drank his coffee and waited for a good cursing out.

Tom was quiet longer than was comfortable, but finally, he said, "You were brave. I'd have never done that."

"You've never been to prison. I could handle him." Toby wasn't bragging. "And I had Stabler to kick the prick's ass."

"Stabler could hurt a man."

"No joke." Toby rubbed his face at the memory of a big hand that had hit him like a thunderclap. He drank some more coffee. "Are you angry?"

"Not really. You helped me. No one else did. You also caught that motherfucker, and for that, I'm grateful." Tom stood up and went to look out at the park. "Are you gay?"

Now Toby had been expecting that question. He groaned and slumped down. "Why does everyone ask me that?"

Tom laughed and came back to the couch. Toby stood up and shrugged. It was answer enough. Tom smiled and kissed him gently. The kiss lingered and then trailed down Toby's neck. Tom whispered, "I want you."

Toby had gotten the message. He had to ask. "Why?"

"I need to do this with someone that I know won't hurt me." Tom's hands skipped down Toby's back. "And you're sexy."

"Two valid reasons." Toby wasn't going to argue about it. It was important to feel safe the first time after rape, and then Tom could move on to other men. "Just once?"

"At least once." Tom kissed him again. When Toby surfaced, he locked the door and took Tom to bed. Chris had done this for him, and he would do it right for Tom. With any luck, Chris wouldn't laugh.

********

Stabler opened his cell phone. "Stabler."

"Do me a favor, will ya?"

"Who is this?" Stabler was already annoyed.

"Send Munch out to the parking lot. It's lunch, right?"

Now Stabler knew who it was. "I'm not invited?"

"Sure. Bring Fin, but boys only." Beecher laughed.

"There better not be-" Stabler shut up. Beecher had hung up on him. There better not be a pole dancer in that limo. Now he had to decide if he should go or just send Munch and Fin. Benson stared at him. "It's nothing."

She scowled.

"Really." Stabler smiled. He was hungry, and that decided it for him. "Munch, Fin, it's lunchtime."

"What about me?" Benson snarled.

"You're not invited this time. Sorry." Stabler shrugged. "Guys?"

"You buying?"

Stabler pointed at the door. "We have one chance to get out of here."

"Coming." Munch laughed. Fin grabbed his coat, and they were all moving. Benson threw a wad of paper at him. Stabler hunched his shoulders and kept moving.

"Damn!" Munch was clearly pleased. A chauffeur got out and opened the back door.

Fin hesitated. "This always ends bad in the movies."

Stabler headed for the door. "Where are your balls, Fin?" That ended the argument, and they all piled in. He was surprised that Beecher wasn't there, or was that disappointment? The food distracted him immediately, and then he noticed the live feed on the flat screen direct from Madison Square Garden.

"Damn. Is it my birthday?"

"Shit."

"Let's eat," Stabler said. He hoped Internal Affairs was on vacation - all of them.

********

Toby closed his cell and met his brother's eyes. "What?"

"Munch? Lunch? What are you up to?"

"Nothing." Toby widened his eyes to innocence. "Give me all the dirt."

"Why don't you come back to work for us?" Angus pushed that agenda for the hundredth time. "You know I don't care-"

"That people will whisper behind your back and your squeaky clean clients will up and leave?" Toby had danced around this topic for months, but it was time for some honesty. "You don't care that I killed a little girl and am on parole? You don't care that our profits will take a hit?"

Angus lowered his eyes to his plate. "You're my brother."

"I love you too, but let's do what's best for the firm. Dad would want that." Toby leaned forward. "I don't want to be a lawyer any longer. I'm not stable enough. In here." He pointed to his brain. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I guess I keep hoping that the world will change. We certainly have." Angus frowned, and his eyes were sad. "The other associates might be upset."

"Rightfully so." Toby patted Angus's hand. "Let's not discuss this again. It only hurts you."

"Not you?"

"No." Toby didn't one shit about working as a lawyer. His pro bono project in Oz had gone down in flames, because of him, and he couldn't face it right now. Someday. Maybe. But not today. "Fuck the firm. Talk about the kids."

Angus wasn't quite finished. "Not yet. I'm having a problem with one associate that you can help me with."

"Why? Does it involve booze, drugs, and naked men?" Toby grinned wickedly.

"All three. Sorry, bro." Angus did smile though. "I can't fire him without proof."

"I can get it." Toby had no doubt. Part of him was glad his brother had faced the reality of the man that he'd become and part of him wept. "Give me all the details."

Angus pushed a file across the table. "I'm reluctant to use our detectives."

"Why?" Toby opened it up. "Oh shit."

"Exactly. I need to push him out, but very quietly. No photos. No gossip. Discreetly," Angus said softly. "We hired him for his juice."

"And now you're going to get hosed." Toby read quickly.

"I need your help."

Toby nodded and shut the file. "He knows me."

"And that could be to our advantage." Angus sipped his wine. "Think about it. I have faith in my older brother."

Toby had been thinking about it, and he was afraid of that faith. "I'll do my best."

"And the world trembled." Angus smiled. "Now tell me what happened with Stabler."

********

Benson scowled. The problem was that she was so beautiful; it didn't mar her face. "As far as I'm concerned, you owe me."

"Talk to Beecher." Stabler wasn't going to listen. "And you need to get over it."

"Munch won't shut up about it!"

Stabler had to laugh, but he did it quietly. His desk phone rang. "Stabler."

"Tobias Beecher is here to see you."

"His badge is in the drawer. Send him." Stabler hung up. He'd gotten Beecher a badge after he'd helped them the last time. Beecher had earned it, but he had a strange look on his face when he came through the door, his cane at his side. Stabler waved him over. "Wassup, dawg?"

"Don't go there. It's ugly on your cracker face." Beecher smiled at Benson, not him. "Olivia, I heard through the grapevine that you're not very happy with me."

"Munch," she growled.

Beecher shrugged. He wouldn't rat Stabler out. "I can't do the limo thing again. My brother would kill me, but I can get a hot dog with you after I talk to Stabler."

"You're buying." She nodded instantly.

Stabler hoped this was the end of it. He stood up. "Let's go talk somewhere else."

Beecher nodded. "It's private." He flipped his plastic badge. "That's my mug shot, you dick."

"For some reason, it struck me as ironic." Stabler opened the door to the lounge. "Thirsty?"

"No." Beecher did sit down though. "I need some help."

Stabler raised his eyebrows. "Are you in trouble?"

"That's why I'm here." Beecher spun his cane from hand to hand. "You can arrest me, remember that."

"I will." Stabler sat down. His cop senses were telling him that this was going to be bad.

**********

Toby had to phrase everything just right, and Stabler still might cuff him. "You know I'm not supposed to go to bars."

"Yes." Stabler leaned back. "Are you drinking? Don't ask me to help you there."

"I'd never dream of it." Toby wouldn't. Stabler was as straight as Toby wished the guy wasn't. "I started investigating one of the associates at our family firm."

"I already don't like the way this is going." Stabler leaned into his elbows so they were closer. Toby scooted back, not much, but enough. He took a deep breath to clear his head of Stabler's aftershave. Nope. Wasn't working. Stabler frowned, and Chris was there between them.

"His father is a district attorney, and all I wanted was to ease him out of the firm. Gently." Toby looked up from his cane and sank into Stabler's beautiful Chris eyes.

"You went to a few clubs and had sex with him." Stabler stated it hard and fast.

"Yes and no." Toby made sure he looked earnest. "I hooked up with him at a club. He knows me. He thought it was hilarious."

Stabler sighed. "What's this about?"

Toby tapped his cane, got up, and paced away from Stabler. It might make it easier to get all these words out of his mouth. "We went back to his place, he put in some porn, and I was thinking to myself. This is ridiculously easy. This guy doesn't care, and then I happened to glance at the TV."

"Spit it out!"

"Sorry. I'm embarrassed." Toby felt like shit. He had mulled this over for hours and hadn't slept, but there was the right thing to do and he couldn't turn away from it. "The tape was boys, young ones. He didn't expect us to have sex. Just-"

"Pop off together." Stabler could have been carved from granite. "You realize that if you testify, you could go back to Oz."

"I know." Toby ached. He wanted to curl up and die, but he couldn't let this slide. "I doubt you could obtain a warrant on my testimony."

Stabler got up and left the room. This had just turned into an official investigation. Toby leaned against the wall. He had to do this, and maybe Stabler could keep him out of Oz. Time dragged, but when the door opened, he flinched in surprise.

Johnson slapped the cup on the table. "Now!"

"Here?" Toby would rather not.

"Right here. Face the wall if you're shy." Johnson was furious. "I looked over the terms of your parole again. Technically, you're not in violation if you were home by ten, and you're clean. You were, right?"

Toby picked up the cup. "I made it, barely."

"Don't lie to me!" Johnson pointed. "I will toss you back to the Nazis!"

A chill crept down Toby's spine and he saw that he was facing a CO. "I was home. I bumped into my neighbor. She can confirm it."

Johnson put his hands on his hips. "Using that lawyer brain of yours. Fine. Piss."

Toby turned away and found some piss. It was about all scared out of him. He was clean, but he felt dirty from how long he'd held the drugs and considered it. "I didn't use."

"I hope not. Our relationship has been easy up to now." Johnson took it, sealed it, and labeled it. "You are staying here until I get this back. If it takes two days, I still expect you to be here."

"Fair enough." Toby refused to apologize. He'd been looking out for his brother when things had turned to bite him in the ass.

Stabler and Benson came in together. "Toby, let's move this to the squad room," Benson said. "I'm sure you know why."

"He's got jizz." Toby made sure his fly was up. "Johnson, it was Mrs. Adams in 103."

Johnson nodded. "I'll check with her. Stabler, keep him here, in a holding cell."

"Can I just cuff him to my desk?" Stabler seemed serious. "He has terrible luck."

"Keep him here." Johnson left the room. His anger hadn't diminished.

Toby looked at them. "There's no way you can make me feel more shitty about this."

"I'm going to try," Stabler growled. "Horny little prick."

Benson rolled her eyes. Toby wanted to defend himself, but thought better of it. He had to keep Stabler on his horny little side.

********

Stabler pulled a chair next to his desk and pointed. Beecher sat down without a fuss. He hadn't cursed or acted like a dick, not yet. So far, he was under control, and Stabler wanted to keep it that way. Beecher would make a terrible witness because of his past.

"We'll find a way to get him without using you."

Beecher looked at the floor. "Easy enough. Have someone go home with him. See if he's stupid enough to do it with anyone."

"I did think of that." Stabler stared at him. "You go clubbing a lot?"

"No. I can't take the chance someone will stuff it up my nose." Beecher was being honest.

Stabler knew there was more. "And you want it."

"It's a tough habit to break. I don't want to have to get clean again in Oz."

Stabler nodded. Beecher wasn't an idiot. He done something really stupid, but for the right reasons. He'd been trying to help out his brother.

"By reporting this, you saved your ass." Stabler was sure of that. "Unless you stayed and watched for two hours and he flips on you."

"I left almost immediately. Begged off that I had to get home for curfew. He laughed and called me a pussy." Beecher obviously didn't care about that. "He's out of control, and he works at my dad's law firm."

"I know you called your brother. You two are like peanut butter and jelly." Stabler caught the small nod. "He'll weather the fallout."

"I know, but it's going to get ugly, and he asked me to do it quietly. I let him down." Beecher's eyes never came off the floor. He believed that shit. Stabler felt his temper begin to boil. He had heard enough of Beecher taking the blame for everything.

"When that Nazi burned your ass, who'd you blame?"

Beecher swallowed hard. "It was my fault. I should-"

"And when your son died?" Stabler pushed it home.

"Me," Beecher strangled out a single word.

Stabler poked him in the chest with a finger. "You're good at heaping it all on yourself. Talk to Huang about your control issues next time. This guy made his own choices. You weren't to blame."

Beecher said nothing. He fiddled with his cane. Stabler had said enough, and he got to work on the case. They'd get this done, and Beecher could go home to wallow in his guilt.

********

Toby kept quiet. Some rational part of him knew that Stabler had a point, but it was easier to blame himself. He could mention it to Huang next time. Toby pushed his chair back and relaxed. They hadn't thrown him in a holding cell, so he was ahead of the game. He watched Stabler, Munch, Fin, and Benson work the case. Cragen made the big decisions, but Stabler was definitely the alpha male in this cellblock. Benson didn't take any shit off him though. She was extremely capable and occasionally more rational than the men. The day eased away with him in the chair and twice using the john. Stabler went with him, but they didn't talk. Toby didn't want to. His best plan was to stay out of this, completely, unless asked a direct question.

"Get some dinner, will ya, Benson?" Stabler pointed at Toby. "Give her some money, Beecher."

Toby dug it out and handed it to her. "Sorry we missed lunch."

"Me too." She went off with it, but she whispered something in Stabler's ear that made his eyes widen.

Toby said nothing, but he knew she'd just threatened to cut Stabler's balls off if he talked like that to her again. Stabler was beyond irritable. She came back with some soda and cheap burgers. Toby ate and didn't comment about the food. They talked, and he stayed out of it. When the squad room began to empty, he yawned and leaned back. He could sleep here, if they wanted.

Stabler shot him a look. "Complaining?"

"Fuck no." Toby rubbed his leg. "But could I go to a holding cell now? I've been up about two days."

"I had no idea I was torturing you." Stabler thought that was funny. "Let's go upstairs."

"Gonna throw me off the roof?" Toby hoped he was joking.

"Tempting." Stabler took him to a room full of nothing but bunks. "Get some sleep."

Toby looked around. "Nice. Just like home." Chris snickered. He was already stretched out, waiting.

Stabler sighed. "You messed up."

"I didn't, not really. I never intended to have sex with the fucker." Toby put his cane down and sat. He shucked off his shoes. "We still friends?"

"You'll decide after this is all over. I think you made a hard choice, but I'm not happy you went out and asked to fall off the wagon." Stabler did care. He did, and the thought made Toby want to smile. Toby lay back flat and watched him leave. The thought of pulling him down and finding out if there was still room to fuck on these small bunks, he banished from his mind. Thankfully, his cell phone rang.

"Hi, Angus."

"How are you?"

"Okay. Johnson won't let me come home until he gets the drug test back. Frankly, he's being reasonable about all this." Toby rolled to his side. "Natalini would have had me on a bus by now."

"You're doing the right thing. Wait it out. Whoever is in charge of this case won't want you on the stand. They'll bend over backwards to prevent it." Angus made a soft noise like a sigh. "I still don't understand why you went home with him."

"I was going to explain to him that it was time to move on. I didn't have a chance." Toby didn't regret it. "Quiet. Remember?"

"Well, that's blown to hell. I'll keep you updated."

"I'll call if they arrest me." Toby clicked his phone shut. He tried to relax, sleep, and he must have dozed because he registered the fact that Chris was near him before opening his eyes. He smiled and stretched. It was the smell that clued him in to reality. He looked up at Stabler, who wasn't moving, merely staring at him. Toby sank into those eyes and didn't ask for a kiss. He got to his feet slowly. They were close, and Stabler hadn't backed away or shoved him down.

"Why do I feel this connection to you?" Stabler asked softly.

Toby nearly dropped to his knees. It was the shock of it working its way through his body and his brain couldn't catch up. "I don't know."

"I drive by your apartment every night, just to make sure the light is on." Stabler took a small step back. "When I'm alone, I should think of my wife."

Toby heard all the unspoken words in his heart, and it ached. "I pick up the phone to call you every night, but I put it down."

Stabler nodded as if he knew it. He rubbed the back of his neck. "I don't find men attractive."

"I know." Toby knew that as sure as he knew his prison number. He regretted it every morning.

Stabler abruptly sat down on a cot. He took off his coat and tie. "Mind if I take my shirt off?"

Toby shook his head. He sat back down, and they faced each other. Stabler took it off and tossed it. He had on an undershirt, but it didn't matter because Toby knew every curve and tuck of that body. He had no idea what to say, and the air stuck in his lungs. This situation was as delicate as a wish, and he couldn't bear to destroy it.

"Say something, Toby." Stabler's eyes burned at him.

Toby swallowed and found some nerve. "Words are lost in this, Elliot."

Stabler nodded. "You're right. The less we say, the better." He rolled his shoulder and lay flat on the bunk. Toby went to him and simply stood there. Stabler rubbed his face. "Get some sleep."

"If you say so." Toby crawled up on the bunk over Stabler's head. It was stupid, but it was as natural as breathing. He shut his eyes and told Chris to go away. This was about Stabler, not Chris.

********

Stabler slept as long as he was able, but he got up before dawn. There'd be news, and he could pick up his end of the investigation. He rolled off the bed and stretched. Toby's eyes were right there, but he didn't smile. Stabler grabbed his shirt. "Not the Ritz."

"Better than some I've had." Beecher didn't move. "Don't stare at my lips."

"Okay." Stabler made a note. "You need to stop checking to see if my ass is still there."

"And you have an annoying tendency of watching me piss." Beecher smiled now. "I know the cure for this problem."

Stabler finished the last button on his shirt. He was curious about that. "Spill it."

"Kiss me." Beecher still didn't move. "You will find it so repulsive that you'll never look at me again and wonder if I ache for you."

Stabler found his shoes and put them on. "Do you ache for me?"

Beecher groaned. "I try not to. I'm weak. I always was."

Stabler wasn't going to argue that right now. "I'll talk it over with my shrink and get back to you." He put on his coat, stuffed his tie in his pocket, and used every ounce of willpower to step towards the door. "Sleep some more."

"If you don't mind, I'll hang out up here until I'm needed."

"Good solution." Stabler would not picture him spread out with a hard on, like he was now. "No jacking off on the sheets."

"I promise." Beecher shut his eyes. "Later."

"We'll see." Stabler made his feet take him out the door. He had to think about all this - again.

********

"Angus?" Toby had opened his cell phone so fast that he'd forgotten to check the number.

"You know that saying about the shit and the fan?"

"Sorry, brother." Toby was sorry. He'd fucked up again. There was a moment of silence and he was sure Angus was going to yell at him.

"Toby, don't be so hard on yourself. This firm has severed all ties with him." Angus did sound angry. "It gave me a chance to fire two others that were his cronies. We'll weather this. Don't worry."

Toby knew they would, but he'd made more work for Angus, not less. "I'm laying low. You take care of your end and don't worry about me."

"Right." Angus severed the connection. Toby shut his cell phone and put his head in his hands. Going back to Oz would be a relief on days like these. He wouldn't have to deal with Stabler, his shrink, and the sinking feeling that he was nothing but a burden to his brother.

The door opened and it was Johnson. He wasn't hiding his anger. "Congratulations on causing a city-wide scandal!"

Toby clenched his teeth on another apology. It wouldn't do any good. He tucked his cell phone away and stood up.

"Wipe that tough ass look off your face. You're clean, but I figure it was more by luck than willpower. If I were you, I'd stick close to home for a month or two. No clubs." Johnson put his hands on his hips. "I have a crew tossing your place right now, and you better hope they don't find anything."

"Or plant anything." Toby grabbed his cane and walked over to him. "So I'm in lockdown?"

"Yes." Johnson moved towards the door. "I spoke to your attorney about your limo service. It's been terminated."

Toby wasn't surprised. He followed Johnson down towards the squad room. "Here's my cell."

Johnson stopped, took it, and looked through the memory. "I'm gonna get a dump on this number. Toby, don't fuck up on me now."

Toby wrote off the cell phone. It was gone - for now. He gave Johnson a patented Chris Keller fuck the hacks shrug.

Stabler spoke up from behind him. "Toby, cut the attitude."

"I'm a good boy." Toby made sure the vein in his forehead didn't pop out. Anger would serve no purpose here. He was on parole, he had no right to anything, and he knew it. "Can I go home now?"

"The attorney in charge of the case wants to interview you." Stabler nodded at Johnson. "Mind if I take him?"

"No. Get your ass home when he cuts you loose, and Stabler, send him in a car." Johnson stormed away. Toby wondered about all that anger. Johnson acted almost as if he'd expected more from him. Someone else with high expectations that should know better.

Stabler changed Toby's direction by gently taking him by the arm. "Ya messed up there."

Toby gave him a look that said it all. Stabler opened a door on an interrogation room and left him. The district attorney held out her hand. "Tobias Beecher, I'm Casey Novak. I need your statement."

"Can't we keep this in the area of an anonymous tip?" Toby didn't want to sit down. He wished they'd toss him in the hole and get it over with.

"It's an avenue that I'm pursuing, but I want to hear it from you first."

Toby nodded. When and if he got home, he was going to stay there. Lockdown sounded pretty good about now.

********

"Toby's oozing Oz this morning," Stabler whispered to Benson.

She edged closer. "Is that prison humor?"

Stabler shrugged. "Do I ever crack jokes?"

"Not very often." Benson sighed. "Toby stumbled into it this time."

Stabler thought Beecher had gone in with his eyes wide open. "Toby should have told his brother to work through other channels."

"Probably. You're going to keep a close eye on him, right?"

"When did Beecher become our squad mascot?" Stabler did want an answer to that.

"When he took a beating so we could catch a perp. Remember?" Benson glared at him. She marched away, and Stabler didn't yell after her. It was a good point, but he was going to look after Beecher for his own reasons.

********

Toby shut the door with a bang and nearly threw his cane out the window. Every time he tried to do something for his family, it exploded into a disaster of biblical proportions. He ignored the mess of his apartment and sat down on a barstool. When he'd first gotten to Oz, he'd been bitter that one mistake had fucked him up forever, but over the years he'd come to understand the truth. A lifetime of mistakes had fucked him over, and he was still making them. Couldn't seem to stop making them. And Stabler. What the fuck was Toby going to do about that? The smart thing was to run. Get another apartment and disappear, except that Stabler was a cop and could find him. Shit.

"Shank 'em."

"Right. I could get that red teardrop coming off my swastika that I've always wanted." Toby laughed. He had to stay sane, or as sane as possible. "Why didn't you stay buried?"

"You need me, babe."

Toby wasn't going to argue about that awful truth. He began to clean the apartment, but he didn't rush. There was no place he could go, no one to call, and nothing to do. Lockdown always sucked. Was it worth this? The faces of his children nodded, and he sighed heavily. He'd be a good boy like he promised, but he was determined to learn something from this - to stay the fuck home.

He was about finished, when he heard the knock at the door. "Who is it?"

"Angus."

Toby unlocked it and wished he could smile. "Hey."

"You okay?"

"Me? It's you I'm worried about." Toby pulled him inside and shut the door. "How many clients did we lose?"

"Not that many. It was as if a bomb had gone off. None of the clients he brought with him wanted to stay with him." Angus pulled off his coat and put his briefcase down. "Think cockroaches in the light."

Toby rubbed his face. "Shit. Go ahead and shank me."

"Toby, I don't think you understand." Angus sat at the counter. "Can I have a water?"

Toby passed him one and sat down. "Do I want to know?"

Angus shrugged and took a drink. "The videos were legal. All the models were eighteen." He held up his hand to forestall Toby's next words. "The porn on his computer wasn't."

"He's fucked." Toby had to admit to shock. That fucker was stupid. It was also obvious now why Johnson had taken Toby's laptop.

"He'd also used his computer at work to download it." Angus rubbed his hair with his hand and looked tired. "He's pleading out."

"Good riddance." Toby didn't feel guilty any longer. It was a fuck up, but the guy had been asking for it. He also wasn't sure what else to say. "I'm basically on house arrest for a month."

"I know. I'm not sure if it was the porn, the club, or the gay sex, but your parole officer was thoroughly pissed off at you." Angus finished his water and stood up. "Toby, I'm sorry. I should never have asked you to get involved. I think, for a minute, I forgot you were on parole."

Toby thought maybe he had also. "Don't worry about me. Take care of the firm."

"I'll call you." Angus put on his coat.

"They took my cell." Toby walked him to the door. "Kiss the kids for me."

"I'll bring them to you as soon as I can."

"Bring them all. You and Mary can go out to dinner."

"Deal." Angus smiled and left him in the doorway. Toby almost wished he could go with him. Almost. He stood at the window and watched Angus drive away. It got him to thinking about Stabler. He drove by every night? Toby wished he'd done more last night - said something. Fuck. It was nothing but a dream. Stabler knew Toby too well, and it would always stand between them. Chris could love someone that was basically fucked, but Stabler would walk away, after he knocked him down.

Toby shut off the lights, locked his door, and took his cane to bed. A shank was cold comfort, but it was better than nothing at all.

********

Stabler leaned back in his chair. "That was an easy one."

"The guy was stupid or on drugs or really stupid." Benson shut off the light on her desk. "I'm going home. You should too."

"We sold the house. I have thirty days to get out. Any suggestions on where to live?" Stabler had an idea or two, but he was curious as to what she thought.

"Sleep upstairs. You do most of the time anyway." Benson put on her coat. "Mine's a one bedroom."

"I know." Stabler flashed a quick grin. "Beecher told me."

"Liar." She was right, too. "I'll ask around."

Stabler got up and got his coat. He had one stop to make before he went home, and he frowned when he saw the light out. It was only eight o'clock. Of course, Beecher hadn't had much sleep. Stabler almost got out, and then he drove home. He didn't want to act pushy. Beecher would get the wrong idea. Stabler touched his lips and wished he knew what the right idea was.

********

Toby pushed out another five before taking a break. Instead of going to the park, he'd gone straight to his weights, desperately trying to work off some frustration. It was funny how fast he'd grown dependent on his phone and computer. Funny. Right. He wanted to chew his arm off and run from the apartment, and it wasn't anywhere near six by nine. After a quick shower, he watched TV and tried to relax. It wasn't any big deal. People loved to hang out and watch television. Dr. Phil was great. The knock on the door was a huge relief.

"Come in!"

Johnson came in, and he had gone from pissed to cautious. "I brought your phone by."

"Thanks." Toby meant that. "I always worry something's wrong with the kids."

"That's why I'm returning it." Johnson tossed it to him. "You'll get your computer in a couple of days."

"I hope." Toby got up with a care for his leg. "Can I still go to the park?"

"Toby, try to lay low for a couple of days. You know how hot-tempered people get about child pornography." Johnson frowned. "I'm moving your curfew to nine, and I'm going to be checking."

"Okay. I won't argue, not that it would do any good." Toby saw the stubborn jaw jut out. He was going to have to grovel. "Just let me run in the park. Please."

"Daylight only." Johnson sighed. "Next time you even think of something stupid like going clubbing to entrap someone, I want you to call Stabler."

"So he can knock some sense into me?"

"Right." Johnson looked around. "Find everything?"

Toby shrugged. He wasn't going to complain about a missing CD player. "When's our next meeting?"

"Next Wednesday. Be on time, and I'll be talking to Dr. Huang." Johnson had delivered all his warnings, and he left without saying goodbye. Toby didn't care. They weren't friends. Johnson was a hack, and that was the end of it.

"Fuck him, Toby."

Toby smiled over at his apparition. Sure, it was nuts, but he always had Chris.

"And Stabler."

Toby's smile faded away. Chris needed to shut up about that. It was stupid. Toby swept up his cane, cell phone, and keys. He'd go for a walk and it might help him think. It might be time to move home.

********

Stabler parked his car in front of Beecher's apartment building and hesitated. It was his day off, the kids were unavailable, whatever that meant, and he wanted to talk to Beecher and find out where his head was. The reason he hesitated wasn't simple. There had been words said last night that he couldn't take back, but if Beecher actually expected them to kiss, there was trouble ahead. A rap on the window made him jerk.

"What the hell?"

Beecher rolled his eyes at him.

Stabler got out and locked it. "Are you harassing me?"

"I could ask you the same, but I won't, seeing as how you're a cop." Beecher started moving towards the park. "I'm going."

Stabler could see that. "What are you running from?" It didn't take long to catch up to him, and they walked together across the street.

"Maybe I'm running to something." Beecher didn't look at him. "I doubt it, but it's possible."

Stabler rubbed his forehead. What the hell had that meant? He picked a safe topic. "How about we get lunch after this?"

"Stabler, I think you should save yourself." Beecher went faster and ignored the idea of lunch. "Everyone I touch dies or ends up fucked."

"I hate that kind of talk." Stabler stayed with him. It was a nice day for a walk. Sun was out, no clouds, and it wasn't cold. "Johnson came to see you, huh?"

"Yeah." Beecher wasn't slowing down, and he stared at the path. Stabler stomped on the impulse to grab him and hold him. It wouldn't do any good. Beecher was too angry - at himself.

"So how many died?"

"Too fucking many," Beecher snapped.

"And Chris."

Beecher whipped around. "Yes. He's dead, because of me! I keep fucking up!"

Stabler didn't stop walking. If he confronted Beecher directly, that cane would swing at him, and he hated to knock Beecher on his ass. "Is it comforting to blame yourself for everything? Do you sleep better at night?"

"I don't sleep much." Beecher caught up with him, but their eyes didn't meet. Stabler fully expected another outburst, but Beecher just walked. They made their way through the park until Stabler noticed that Beecher was limping more than he should. At that point, Stabler found a bench and sat down.

"I'm done." Stabler ran a hand through his short hair and rubbed. "Pick me up on the way back."

Beecher stopped and looked at him. His blue eyes were hurt, wounded, and he sat down as if he would dash off at any moment. "You really should leave me alone."

"You're probably right, but I like your TV." Stabler suddenly had a thought. "They didn't take it, did they?"

"Get the panic out of your voice." Beecher let out a long breath. "They took it down and looked behind it, but they managed not to destroy it."

"I'll have to thank them because I know you wouldn't bother with a new one." Stabler glanced at him. "Right?"

"Fucking right." Beecher rubbed his knee. "I hope I get my computer back."

Stabler wasn't going to bet on it. They'd probably picked up a few items by accident. Everyone knew it happened. No one cared. It was parole, and it meant the parolee bent over and took it. "So why live here in the city? Why not cozy up with your mom?"

"How do you think she'd feel after her house with a million dollars worth of antiques and china was searched by the hack squad?" Beecher turned slightly so they were facing each other. "And with my luck, they'd show up during club."

Stabler hadn't thought of it quite that way. "Are you protecting her or yourself?"

Beecher idly began to spin the cane. "Her, I think. After spreading and coughing for ten years, not much embarrasses me."

Stabler could believe that. Beecher got angry, very angry, when he felt humiliated, and he was right to live somewhere else. It was a good decision. He was protecting his family from some of the realities of the prison system. Stabler chuckled softly. "Your mother, Victoria, tore me a new one after you got sent back to Oz, which was a mistake I might add. I did not set you up!"

Beecher gave him a lazy look. It reeked of shanks. "Good for her. You had no idea I'd be shipped out? Do I look stupid?"

"If you believe that, why do you talk to me?" Stabler didn't understand this at all. "And stare at my ass?"

"I do not stare at your ass," Beecher whispered. He blushed. "And you got me out. I let it slide. Even. You know."

"And if you had done five?"

"My shank and I might have come looking for you." Beecher stood up. "Nah. Someone would've gotten to me first."

Stabler stood and started walking back. He wanted lunch. Beecher fell into step alongside him, but they didn't rush. Thinking about it all, Stabler came to the conclusion that every time he'd messed with Beecher, he'd managed to make it right, and Beecher was keeping score. Interesting. Stabler smiled. "The way I see it, you owe me one for this last mess."

"Yeah. Rub it in." Beecher groaned. "Take the TV. I don't mind."

"I need an apartment." Stabler put it out there. "Some place I can afford."

Beecher was silent so long that Stabler almost stopped walking. Some kids came running past, and he smiled at them. Beecher said softly, "I have another bedroom at my place."

Stabler didn't answer right away. He had the distinct feeling that he was putting one foot on a slippery slope. Beecher was sincere in his offer, but he might think he was getting more than rent. Stabler stopped at a vending cart and bought two waters. He tossed one and said, "I've never noticed another bedroom."

"Door behind the weights. Nothing in there. Took me forever to buy one bed." Beecher drank some water. "How much you got for rent?"

"Half of whatever you're paying." Stabler wasn't going to listen to anything else. This would be a fair deal or he'd find something else.

Beecher found another bench and sat down. "I own the building."

"Forget it then." Stabler sat down also. He'd known the family was wealthy, but a building near the park meant money - lots of it.

"It was an investment that I made before I went into the system." Beecher stalled by drinking more water. "After I got out, I took it back over, lowered all the rents, and moved in the first available apartment."

"Lowered the rents?" Stabler made sure his jaw didn't drop open.

"Some families need a hand. I interview people carefully and set the rent according to what they can pay." Beecher shrugged. "It gives me something to do besides jog and lift weights. It thoroughly pissed Natalini off. It wasn't a real job."

"How many parolees have you taken in?" Stabler had to know, and he was going to ignore Natalini being stupid.

"Three. They all live together in an apartment on the first floor. Good guys. Muslims." Beecher suddenly stared right in Stabler's eyes. "Think about it. You know what's best."

Stabler would think about it. He might be desperate soon. "Let's get lunch."

"I'm going home." Beecher looked away. "You should remember I'm nothing but a no-good con." And he got up and started for home. Stabler rubbed his face. Lunch was never easy with Beecher.

*********

Toby didn't look back to see if Stabler would follow. Stabler should run for his life. It was as obvious as his sexy ass. Toby got his mail and went the stairs. He shut the door but didn't lock it, which was a good thing because Stabler would have kicked it in.

"Why is lunch so hard with you?" Stabler's voice carried all the way to Connecticut.

Toby hung up his coat, tossed his cane on the couch, and went to open his mail at the counter top. He had talked enough to last a week or two.

Stabler sat down with him. "Asshole."

"Prag." Toby wished he were Stabler's prag. He'd smile as he did the laundry. It was another example of how Oz had fucked him up.

"What's that again?" Stabler flipped through Toby's mail - cop habit.

"Slang for a man whore. Easy meat. Fuck toy. Bitch. Hole." Toby kept an eye on Stabler's right hand.

Stabler leaned on his elbow. "Give me one good reason for not throwing you out the window."

"You started it," Toby said quickly. He was pushing his luck today.

"Okay. I'm ordering pizza." Stabler snapped open his phone and walked away to order. Toby was glad for the distance. Saying the words 'fuck toy' around Stabler was stupid. Now his cock was hard. He opened some bills, put them away, and didn't stare at Stabler's blue jean ass. That ought to be against the law. Chris laughed, but he said nothing, and Toby was glad. Stabler didn't need to know how nuts Toby was on any given day.

"What's this?" Stabler was back. "You buy a cemetery plot?"

Toby picked it up and wished Stabler weren't so nosy. "Upkeep on a grave. Comes monthly. No big deal."

Stabler narrowed his eyes. "Keller."

"I wasn't letting him go to Potter's Field." Toby had never been to see it, but he'd get there, when they let him have a car again. He didn't want to discuss the particulars. He'd done it for a hundred reasons and one that wouldn't die. "Do me a favor and drop it."

"Okay. It's your life." Stabler gave him a crooked grin. "I'm just a hack."

"Exactly."

********

Stabler did look for a place, but he came up empty. Not enough money and nowhere close enough. Taking the train down from Connecticut every morning wasn't reasonable. Benson had been no help. Munch had offered his couch, but Stabler couldn't bring himself to do it, and that left Beecher and his building. Well, it was worth another try.

Cragen stepped out of his office. "Elliot, you find a place to live yet?"

"No." Stabler put on his coat. Everyone was gone but him. "Any ideas?"

"Tell me you're not going to resign."

"No, but let me ask you something. If Beecher had a place, would you call him?" Stabler hated to ask, but better safe than sorry. He didn't want to get jammed up on this.

"Why not?" Cragen looked confused. "Because he's on parole or because he consults?"

"Both, and he's rich." Stabler shut off his lamp. "I don't want IAB looking at me."

Cragen thought about it. "As long as you pay rent, who can complain? Bunking with Beecher has its drawbacks though."

"Searches. I know. And no beer." Stabler nearly groaned at the thought. "But I'm about out of options."

"Keep looking and call Beecher." Cragen phrased it as a command. "That's an order."

Stabler smiled. He'd go over there on his way home. Home. Not for much longer. Changes were coming, and he was through being angry. It was time to go with it and hope for the best.

********

Toby got the door, even though he recognized Stabler's knock - it was more of a pounding that made him want to hide his contraband, not that he had any.

"Can we talk?"

"Did you bring food?" Toby was hungry. He hadn't made it to the store, and it was close to his curfew. "Seriously."

"No." Stabler leaned against the doorjamb. "Can I come in?"

"There's a Chinese place on the corner. They don't deliver." Toby dug out his wallet. "Here's a fifty. Get plenty."

Stabler stared at the money. "I don't believe it!"

"Believe it, baby. Food or forget it." Toby crossed his arms. He was hungry, and he wasn't talking about anything until he'd eaten. Stabler stuffed the money away, grumbled something about convicts, and went toward the stairs. Johnson came up them about the same time. Toby saw them talk, but it was too far away to eavesdrop, and he wasn't taking a step out his door. He moved back to let Johnson inside and shut the door behind him.

"Glad you're here." Johnson looked around. He handed Toby his laptop. "It's in one piece."

"Wow. There is a Santa Claus." Toby put it on the counter. He'd check it later. "You run across my CD player?"

Johnson didn't answer that. He pointed at the fridge. "Beer?"

"No sir." Toby opened it wide. "Stabler can kiss my ass."

"Watch your mouth, Toby." Johnson picked up Toby's cell and checked it. "If Stabler didn't like you, you'd be in Oz taking it up the ass."

Toby thought that was a bit of an overstatement. "I owe him, but no one fucks my ass anymore, Johnson. Just so you know."

Johnson put the phone down. "Really? Toby, I was pleased with your progress, but you've been backsliding. Straighten up or get ready to wear orange."

Toby had reacted to Johnson's anger with Oz attitude and this is where it had gotten him - looking over the edge at a cell. "Tell me why you were so angry with me."

"You let me down. I expect more from you than clubbing, drugs, and porn tapes. You're a better man than that." Johnson pointed with his finger. He was still angry. "You want to be nothing but another Oz fucker, I can arrange it."

"When you're through busting my balls, I want you to remember that I turned him in, didn't violate my parole, had the willpower to say no to the ecstasy, and apologized. And believe me, none of that was easy!"

Johnson seemed stunned. He opened his mouth, shut it, and then said, "I'll look for your CD player."

"Don't bother." Toby didn't give a shit about it.

Johnson took his time searching the place. Toby didn't watch or talk to him again. One good thing was that Johnson didn't wreck the place. He was looking for shanks tonight.

"Keep your appointment next week." Johnson tossed the couch last, headed for the door, and Stabler came though it. "Enjoy your dinner."

Toby sure as hell wasn't inviting him, and he helped Stabler put everything on the counter. "I let him down? Right. I let me down. Stupid hack. It's all about him and his feelings. Christ. Does he know how hard it is to turn down a hit of ecstasy? I'm nothing but a number, and I better be a good dog or it's back to the pound."

"Shut up, Toby." Stabler opened a sack. "You screwed up."

"As if I didn't know that the instant he put in a porn tape. Believe it or not, I found him repulsive. I just wanted to talk to him." Toby got out plates. "How could I know the man was a fucking idiot? He's a lawyer. Lawyers are usually smart."

"He paid someone else to take his bar exam." Stabler nodded. "We dug that up in the course of our investigation. Angus should interview people more carefully."

"I think he realizes that." Toby started eating. "Thanks for getting food."

"It was the only way I could get in the door." Stabler wasn't shy about taking his fair share. "I need an apartment."

"I have one coming open in a month. One bedroom - down the hall. I wasn't going to rent it until I heard from you." Toby got them water. "You can stay here until it's ready, but no beer in my fridge."

"Johnson won that round, huh?"

"Waving that orange suit made me sit up and beg for mercy," Toby growled. He knew he was going to regret having to see Stabler every day. "You work a lot, right?"

"You don't want me hanging around!"

"You're huge and you smell bad." Toby smirked. "And you don't know how to cook."

Stabler gave him the look of death. "I don't smell bad."

Toby sniffed. "If you say so." He got some more food. "Don't touch my weights."

"Forget that." Stabler smiled at him, and Toby nearly passed out. "Don't stare at my ass and we'll get along fine."

"Like that's gonna happen." Toby would let him figure out what that meant. "Rent's due on the first of the month. If you can't pay, let me know beforehand or I'll start eviction proceedings."

"Aren't you going to tell me how much?"

"I know your pride." Toby laughed on the inside. He hoped he didn't regret this. Most of his decisions sucked. "You got a lot of shit?"

"Not that much." Stabler raided the fortune cookies. "When can I move in?"

Toby didn't care. He repeated it twice in his head before saying, "Any time after now." He laughed softly. "Stupid cop."

"I'm not gonna put up with your smart Oz mouth." Stabler unfolded a tiny piece of paper. "It says, 'You're going on a trip.' Even the cookies think it's funny."

"You poor fuck." Toby laughed and started cleaning up. He didn't mind. Stabler had gone to get the food, and he wandered away to watch television. He'd probably do a lot of that, and Toby would watch him.

Chris whispered in Toby's ear, "Let him pay you in blowjobs."

Toby smiled. That was a great idea. And it would work - in some alternate universe where Stabler wasn't straight and slightly homophobic. When the kitchen was clean, Toby took his water and sat down in the chair, not on the couch. He was going to make a comment about remote controls and men who couldn't relinquish control, but Stabler might smack him. He remembered his laptop, went to get it, and opened it up. All the keys were there and the screen wasn't cracked. He turned it on and hoped for the best.

"I'm surprised you got it back."

"Me too." Toby groaned. "They dumped the hard drive. It's been wiped."

"Do a systems restore." Stabler flipped channels.

"Won't work. I'm going to have to re-load everything. Shit." Toby put it on the coffee table. "Oh well, it's not like I have anything else to do."

"You can help me move tomorrow." Stabler grinned at him.

Toby nodded absentmindedly and searched for all the software that had come with it. He dug it out and started the process. "I like Munch and Fin."

"They think you're cute in a Care Bear sort of way."

"Fuck off, Elliot." Toby didn't take his eyes off the screen. He wanted to check his e-mail before midnight. Stabler didn't look like an Elliot. He looked like Chris. Toby sighed and put in a new disk. He wished that he could dump the hard drive in his brain and reboot with Chris erased. It would make it easier to look at Stabler and not think about sucking his cock. No. He didn't want Chris gone - he'd miss him. They'd had something special, if not healthy.

"Any rules in this apartment building about bringing home guests?" Stabler had a twinkle in his eye.

"You have to share, especially the guys." Toby got up and went to get his mouse. That would make this easier on his finger. He plugged it in and got busy. "I saw Tom the other day. He's doing well."

"Good. I worry about all those guys." Stabler sounded earnest now, not joking.

"We formed a club." Toby looked up. Stabler's eyes were wide. "Really. We don't call it that, but we get together once a month and have lunch. Tom had his swastika removed. I was proud of him."

"That must have hurt!" Stabler rubbed his chest.

"He said it did, but it's gone." Toby shrugged. He would do it, if his weren't on his ass, but it would hurt like hell, and he'd had enough pain back there for a lifetime. "Dr. Huang thinks we should meet under more controlled circumstances so no one gets hurt."

Stabler snorted. "Sounds like him."

"He doesn't realize that it's more about lunch than it is sitting around crying." Toby put in another disk. "Is Benson going to help tomorrow?"

"So you two can whisper and laugh at me?"

Toby glanced at him. "That would be fun, but I was thinking more along the lines that things would go faster with two vehicles, and I can't drive."

"Lawyers are always thinking."

"Cops are always looking for someone to cuff." Toby made sure not to look at him and imagine him doing naughty thing with his cuffs. Yeah. Don't think about that. Not ever. "Hold that insult. I gotta piss." He put everything down and went to splash cold water on his cock.

********

Stabler laughed softly. Beecher was full of shit. No man could piss with a bulge like that in his jeans, not that Stabler had looked, but it was hard to miss. He turned off the TV and decided it was time to get going. He'd sign out one of the SUV's for tomorrow and get finished packing. There had to be some benefit to being a detective, and he'd buy the gas. He got up and stretched. A month wasn't that long. Beecher could keep it zipped for thirty days.

"I'm leaving!"

Beecher came out and nodded. "Good. Go. See ya."

Stabler extended his hand. "Thanks for helping me out."

Beecher stared at it. He'd refused to shake hands once before. Slowly, he stuck his hand out, and Stabler took it - skin, heat, and a flash of something deep in baby blue eyes. Stabler sighed. Beecher was like Bambi, with a shank. Impulsively, he pulled Beecher close and embraced him.

"Thanks. I mean it."

Beecher made an odd sound, and Stabler turned him loose. Stabler got out of there before nothing turned into something that could be made fun of. He had noticed one thing - Beecher didn't smell bad.

********

Toby put his hand against the door and leaned. What the fuck had just happened? Nothing. That was what. Nothing, but it had felt so good to be held by that man. The smell, the touch, the sheer essence of him was overwhelming. It was familiar, and yet, so different. There was no fear, no flash of worry, no instant of pain before he reminded himself how much he loved Chris. That had been the thing about loving Chris Keller - danger had lurked in every encounter. All that love between them had never pushed the fear away. Fear that could instantly turn to violence. Chris fell again behind Toby's eyelids, and he had a smile on his face. Toby always hoped that meant that Chris was finally at peace. Peace - not something that Chris knew about, but deserved.

Toby groaned softly and went back to his laptop. Thirty days. He'd been in the hole that long. How bad could it be? He adjusted his cock in his jeans and hoped his hard on didn't last a month.

********

Stabler put the dishes in the dishwasher. It was his job to clean up. Beecher did the cooking, and he was doing some stretches over by the weight set, which had been moved next to the windows. It had been a little alarming how quickly they had settled into a schedule. He went to work, and Beecher went for a walk or slow jog. They caught up with each other, Beecher cooked, he cleaned, and then they lifted weights. There were no arguments. No problems. Beecher was a better roommate than any Stabler had ever had, even his wife.

"I still say we could use a curl bar."

Stabler wiped down the cabinets and walked over to the weights. "Then you'd need a preacher bench. Forget it. What we need is a bar across one of the doors so we can do pull ups."

"I'll talk to my handyman. The walls may not be strong enough to bear your weight." Beecher grinned at him.

Stabler groaned at the bad joke and went to put on his sweats and a T-shirt. He liked lifting weights with Beecher. It was a good way to end what were sometimes awful days. No one at the station house had batted an eye about him bunking with Beecher, and he wondered if it were an insult. Did they think he was gay? Or so ugly that Beecher wouldn't bother? Of course, he had dated Benson, and everyone knew it. She had stopped over their first evening and brought pizza. It had been nice of her, and Beecher was clearly fond of her, if not cozy. Beecher was hard to figure out.

"I'm adding more weight. Come spot me."

Stabler got over there. "You're just jealous."

Beecher shoved it up and gently brought it down to his chest. He didn't talk. He lifted, and he didn't need help until the last rep. Stabler steadied it down. Beecher got up smiling. "I knew I could do it."

Stabler took the spot on the bench. "You'll be sorry tomorrow." The weight was light for him, but enough to get a good sweat. They moved through the workout, helping and touching. Once, they laughed, and Stabler began to think he'd never had a friend until Beecher.

"Shit. I'm a pussy."

"You're built to run." Stabler finished his last set and grabbed his water. He could feel the burn. "I wanted to die the next day after we ran together."

"Munch told me you limped around and cried for a week. He found it fucking hilarious." Beecher wiped his head with a towel and got his own water. "I gotta start doing squats again or my quads are going to wither away."

"Good idea. Let's add those. I'll help you." Stabler took a big drink and made plans to get back at Munch. "You still need the cane?"

"Some, not much." Beecher put the weights back.

Stabler had noticed that Beecher liked things a certain way. "Were you anal retentive before you spent ten in a six by nine?"

"Yes." Beecher went to stare out the window. "You could go out partying."

"What you mean is, 'I'd like to go out partying.' Too bad you live with a cop." Stabler laughed softly.

"I don't want you to think you have to baby sit me." Beecher had mentioned this twice already. Stabler continued to ignore it. Beecher couldn't wrap his head around having a friend, not yet. "Tomorrow, Tom and I are meeting for dinner, so you're on your own."

"I'll con Benson into buying. She owes me." Stabler clicked on the TV. That was usually Beecher's clue to shut up worrying. Beecher disappeared into the bathroom for his usual shower. Stabler relaxed. Living here wasn't bad at all.

********

Toby washed his body clean and then stared at his hard cock. "Give up, you stupid fucker," he whispered. His cock twitched and his balls were heavy with desire. Damn. Every night it was the same, and he was about to throw himself out the window. Stabler was oblivious, of course. He couldn't get a clue. Toby banged his head lightly against the tile and wished.

"Just ask him. He might love a good blow." Chris was suddenly behind him. Toby touched himself and groaned softly. He stroked himself, and Chris was with him. "Do it." Toby bit his lip, remembered a time that should have never happened in a supply closet, and shot come on the wall of the shower. He sagged and gasped. Damn. Chris was gone. He'd never been here, but he wasn't leaving either. Toby got rid of the damning evidence, dried off, wrapped a towel around himself, and went to his room. He pulled on some shorts and did some slow stretches to loosen up. His leg felt better. He'd try to jog tomorrow.

"You going to bed?"

"Thinking about it." Toby found a shirt and shrugged it on. "Why?"

"You play backgammon?"

Toby wasn't sure he did. "I don't know."

"I brought my board." Stabler didn't seem to care one way or the other. "You decide."

Toby didn't watch him leave his bedroom. He slumped down and rubbed his face. Backgammon? Did the angels in heaven just spend their day laughing their asses off at him? Okay, he'd play, but by God, no wrestling. He laughed in a way that bordered on insane and went to face the past and his future.

********

Stabler happened to be home when someone knocked on the door. He unlocked it and pulled it open. It was Tom Morrison, and he looked confused. Stabler rushed to explain. "Hi, Tom. Toby's getting dressed or something. Come on in."

"Detective Stabler." Tom edged inside. Stabler got away from him. That might calm him down. Tom swallowed. "How are you?"

"Pretty good. You?" Stabler took up his favorite spot on the couch.

Tom glanced out the window and tried to look casual. "I'm okay. Thanks for all you did."

"Thank you for having the courage to testify." Stabler began to think he was missing something. "Toby! Tom is here!"

"Keep your pants on." Beecher came out from his bedroom. Black leather pants, casual shirt, boots, and his cane: he was dressed to go out clubbing. Stabler held his tongue, but he knew his eyes were snapping.

Tom grinned. "Hey, Toby."

"Hey, Tom." Beecher gave him a small smile. "I'm ready."

Stabler made a point of glancing at his watch. Beecher didn't even notice. He was checking for his wallet and cell phone. Tom smiled at Stabler. "Good to see you again. Bye."

Beecher waved at the fridge. "There's a pizza in there, which I'm sure you know. Later."

Stabler nodded. He stood up to lock the door behind them, and he didn't miss the possessive hand that Tom hooked on the back of Beecher's too tight leather pants. Was Beecher insane? They weren't meeting for a casual dinner. That was a date! Stabler shut the door too hard, locked it, and stalked to the window. They got a cab. Tom was all over Beecher like a cheap suit. Stabler shut his eyes to banish the images, it didn't work, and he growled a soft, low obscenity.

His cell phone rang and he snapped it open. "Stabler."

"We got a case."

"Thank God. Swing by and get me."

"On my way."

Stabler went to get his gun and shield. He would not worry about his roommate, who had a right to a life, but not much of one since he was on parole. "Damn it, Beecher. Don't screw up."

*********

Toby checked his watch. Not much longer, and he had to head home. Tom noticed and shrugged. "Your place soon?"

"Yeah." Toby dragged him towards the restroom where the music wasn't quite so loud. "What's up with you tonight?"

"You didn't tell me you were living with Detective Stabler!"

"I didn't think I had to. He needed a place. His wife kicked him to the curb." Toby leaned on his cane. "Does it matter?"

"If he's fucking you, it does." Tom bracketed Toby against the wall and kissed him hard. Their hips ground together. "We see other people, but a live in fuck is another story."

"He's as straight as they come, but I didn't realize we had rules." Toby wasn't aroused by this conversation. "We dance. Occasionally, we fuck. We're friends."

Tom kissed him again. "He's a top, I bet."

Toby wished Tom would stop. "I gotta go home."

"I'll come along." Tom smiled and ran his hands down Toby's leather pants. "You're so fucking hot."

"Thanks." Toby sighed. He got Tom moving towards a cab. "Come on." He liked Tom, but this behavior was too much. They weren't more than friends. Tom kissed him almost frantically all the home and Toby was tempted to shove him out the door. Toby paid the cab and dragged Tom up the stairs with him. It was eight forty-five. Good enough. He opened the door and stopped dead.

Tom bumped into him and giggled. "Let's fuck right here on the floor."

Johnson turned off the TV. "Good evening, Beecher."

Toby ran his hand through his hair. "Good to see you again, Johnson. How's my favorite parole officer?"

Tom seemed to be in shock. He'd gone from horny to worried. "Hi."

Johnson got up and paced over to him. "Have a nice date?"

"Wasn't too bad." Toby pointed. "This is Tom Morrison. Stabler knows him."

"A great endorsement. Here's your cup." Johnson handed it to him. "Tom, you should go home."

Tom looked at Toby. Toby agreed with that idea. "I'll call you. My parole officer obviously wants to talk. Beat it."

Tom left quickly. His one brush with the law had been enough. Johnson nodded in satisfaction. "He's gay, right?"

"I've never asked." Toby held up the cup. "Give me a minute."

"Right here." Johnson crossed his arms. "You can move away from the window."

Toby was careful not to curse. Johnson knew all the tricks for cheating on a piss test, and he was going to watch to make sure it didn't happen. Toby pulled it out and gave his sample. It was humiliating, but expected. "I'm on time."

"I noticed. I'm glad. I approve of your choice of roommates but not your date." Johnson sealed and labeled it. "Where did you go?"

"There's a club over on sixteenth that doesn't serve alcohol or allow drugs. It's called The White Dragon." Toby held out his hand. It had been stamped at the door. "Your call. I won't go back, if you don't like it."

Johnson looked at Toby's hand. "I've heard of it. Are you sure you can handle it?"

"Yes. Nearly everyone is clean there. I could buy drugs down on the corner." Toby hated this part of parole. Okay, he hated it all. "We danced and had some fun. That's all."

Johnson seemed satisfied. "Where is Stabler keeping his gun?"

"You'll have to ask him. I don't go in his room, and he keeps his door shut." Toby had wondered how many guns Stabler had in there, but it wouldn't be polite to ask. "He said he'd get with you about it."

"He must have forgotten. I'll call him." Johnson looked around. "No shanks, right?"

Toby sat down and rubbed his face. Shit. He was tired of this. "I've been walking the straight and narrow!"

"Keep it up and I'll give you an extra two hours." Johnson didn't know how insulting it all sounded. He went towards the door. "Stay clean, Toby."

Toby shut his eyes and waved. He should have stayed home. Tom had acted like a complete slut. And now Johnson thought that Toby was a slut. Toby nearly laughed, but it was sad. He was too old to be clubbing. No more. He was done. It was all about freedom, and he could find that elsewhere, maybe. His cell phone rang, and he opened it.

"You home?" Stabler. He sounded gruff.

Toby turned it off and closed it. Enough. Enough! He threw his cane the length of the room and went to slide out of his pants. God damn it.

********

"Is he there?"

"He hung up on me."

"He's home and pissed about it." Benson didn't take her eyes off the road. "I don't blame him."

"I do." Stabler wouldn't say what for though. He blamed him for those leather pants and not even waiting until they were in the cab to kiss Tom. Benson parked the car at the station house, and they went inside. Stabler wasn't going to think about. He was going to work, and then he spotted Brad Johnson. Shit.

"Stabler!" Johnson smiled and stuck out his hand.

Stabler shook it. "Good to see you. What's going on?" It had to be something about Beecher. "Wait. Let's go up to the mezzanine."

"Good." Johnson went up the stairs with him, and they both got coffee. Stabler went ahead and sat down. Johnson followed suit. "I did a spot check on Beecher tonight."

Stabler nearly groaned. "And?"

"He was home, but it was close. He had some guy named Tom with him. You know him?"

"Tom Morrison. He testified in that Nazi trial. He's a good guy." Stabler didn't mention that Tom was too horny. "Why?"

"They'd been clubbing. Toby has to stay clean." Johnson pushed his next point home. "And you providing him with access to any number of guns doesn't sit too well."

Stabler caught his temper before he said something rude. "I have it with me, and when I'm asleep, it's locked up. I never leave it there."

"I have your word?" The fact that Johnson asked made Stabler want to hit him.

"You do." Stabler tried not to glare. "I'm moving out soon."

"I think you're a good influence on him, but the gun concerns me." Johnson sat back and sipped his coffee. "Sorry to be a hard ass about this, but I don't want to send Toby back to Oz and the Nazis. If I have to play hardball to keep him out, I will."

Stabler was furious immediately. Damn Nazis. They were not getting their filthy hands on Beecher again. "I understand and agree. I'll talk to him."

"He's angry. Go easy. If he hits you with that cane-"

"You'll never hear about it." Stabler got up. "I have a case to work. Thanks for stopping by."

Johnson nodded. "Help me out, if you can."

"Will do." Stabler took his coffee and went to his desk. Beecher was going to be furious about all this, and the fists might fly. He wasn't great with self-control.

"We got a lead." Benson jangled her keys at him. "You can give me the gossip on the way."

Stabler put his coffee down. "Let's go."

********

Toby refused to think about where Stabler was while he had his morning bowl of cereal. It didn't matter. Of course, as soon as he made that mental proclamation, Stabler used his key to open the door. It wasn't locked. He was probably being a smartass. Toby wanted to start yelling and then punching, so he put on his Oz face. Not looking at him was the best way to discuss this.

"Before you shank me, I need some sleep." Stabler yawned and unhooked his gun from his belt. "Okay?"

"Not like I'm going anywhere." Toby didn't care. He didn't. "Did you rat me out?"

Stabler stopped on his way to his room and turned. "Why do you think I care so much?"

Of all the words Stabler could have chosen, those hurt the worst. Toby walked out the door. He'd go get a coffee at Starbucks and watch the people. Stabler could go fuck himself. Toby took a deep breath when he made it to the sidewalk. He was so angry. He had to get it under control.

"Toby!"

Toby stopped and waited for Tom. What the hell was this about? "What's got you all upset, Tom?"

"I was worried about you." Tom gave him a tentative kiss that Toby allowed. The back of Toby's neck gave a prickle and he couldn't stop himself from looking up at his window. Stabler was watching, and he looked exactly like an angry Chris Keller. Toby shivered and started walking. Tom fell into step beside him. "I acted like an ass last night."

"No shit." Toby whipped around and poked him in the chest with a finger. "Were you high?"

Tom blushed. "Ecstasy. Sorry. It's easy to forget that you-"

"Can be shipped off to a maximum security facility for breathing wrong? Tom, I like you, but other than lunch with the guys, we're done." Toby didn't regret it. He wasn't losing it all, his children, for nothing. "Finished."

"We can still be friends?" Tom looked about ready to cry.

"Friends. No fucking. No going out. I can't afford you and especially if you're high!" Toby got right in Tom's face. "Do not get pissy about this. You did it!"

Tom stuck his hands in his pockets and lowered his head. "You're right. I abused our friendship. I'm gone."

Toby relented, a little. "Lunch is next Thursday. You'll be there, right?"

"You sure?"

"I'm sure. We were friends before. Let's go back to that." Toby didn't smile. That would encourage him. "Okay?"

"Sorry I fucked up." Tom brushed his hands over his eyes. "I'll see you Thursday."

"We'll talk some more." Toby wouldn't touch him again, not for any reason. If Johnson had searched Tom last night, it all could have been over. Damn it. Toby watched Tom find a cab and drive away. Sex screwed up everything.

********

Stabler told himself not to watch. He didn't care what Beecher did with his gay friend, but the fact that they were arguing made him smile. Beecher's face was Oz all the way, and Tom cried. Good. It was over. Beecher couldn't take a chance. That was the reason Stabler cared. He went to his room, locked his gun away, and lay down to rest. He wouldn't think of the flash of hurt in Beecher's eyes, and the easy way Beecher kissed Tom. No. No. No.

********

Toby got his coffee and took it to the park. Stabler needed some sleep, and Toby could stay away from the argument that was brewing. He laughed at his own joke. There were plenty of people walking around, holding hands and laughing. Not for the first time, he wished that Chris were here. A part of him knew it was stupid. After all, Chris had been a whirlwind of destruction. The chance of them having jobs and a life was about the same as one of them being struck by lightning. Not that Chris would have ever gotten out. Toby rubbed his forehead. He did need to let it go. Love didn't mean punishing himself for years. Guilt was something he was good at, but it had to end. He had to focus on staying clean, staying out of Oz, and staying away from Stabler's ass.

********

Stabler woke up when Beecher shut the door, not that he slammed it, but it was enough. It was time to get out of bed. If he slept too much, he wouldn't sleep tonight. His stomach grumbled, and he headed out to the front room. "Are you still angry?"

"Yes." Beecher was slouched on the couch. "I want to hit you. I'm counting on you to prevent this from happening."

"Got it. No problem." Stabler grinned. Beecher had a unique sense of humor.

"And stop smiling."

Stabler sat down next to him. "Start that pizza, will you? I'm starved."

Beecher grumbled but got up and went to the kitchenette. "Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!"

"How long did I sleep? Did your universe collapse over the space of three hours?" Stabler yawned and stretched. He'd sleep more tonight, but now he had to get up and deal with Beecher. "Did Tom-"

"I don't want to discuss Tom," Beecher interrupted.

Stabler rubbed his eyes and changed the subject. "I talked to Johnson yesterday. Today? Anyway, I promised him you wouldn't shoot anyone with my gun. Can I count on you to uphold your end of the bargain?"

Beecher put the pizza in the oven. "I don't like guns. Shanks are more my style."

Stabler didn't want an airhole while he was sleeping tonight. "I know parole isn't a walk in the park, but it's better than Oz."

"Really?" Beecher went to stare out the window. He did a lot of that. "In Oz, I had nothing, but out here, I have a little, but not enough, and the fact that it could be taken away takes on a life of its own."

"Still better than sharing a cell with a Nazi named Vern."

"Now I won't argue that!" Beecher put his hands in his hair and pulled. "Tom got high last night and acted like a complete ass."

"It was the leather pants." Stabler grinned.

Beecher turned and glared at him. "Why aren't you at work?"

Stabler managed not to laugh. His life had changed so much since he'd met Beecher, but some of it was for the better. "That's my wife's favorite saying."

Beecher checked the pizza. "How the hell did I turn into your prag?"

"My charm." Stabler smiled. He liked it when Beecher fed him, but he liked food. Moving to a barstool, he tried to beg with his eyes. It must have worked because Beecher got out the pizza, cut it up, and served.

"And I'm still pissed at you."

Stabler ate two pieces before bothering to answer. "Stop fighting it so much. Accept the fact that Johnson is trying to help you and find a routine that doesn't choke you to death."

Beecher glared at him. "You set Johnson on me because I dared to violate your moral code, you check up on me like I'm your prag, and you make me cook. I'm still fucking pissed!"

Stabler couldn't help but laugh. "None of that is true." He slid off his barstool and went around to him. Beecher needed someone - someone solid. Stabler pulled him up and held him.

 Beecher shuddered, and then he let out a long breath. Stabler slipped his hand through blond hair. He was appalled that he liked holding Beecher. He liked it. It felt right. Beecher made a soft sound. "Let me go or kiss me, okay?"

Stabler pushed him away. "I don't kiss guys."

"I know. I tell my cock that often." Beecher sat back down. "Eat some more."

Stabler ignored the cock thing and sat down to eat. He pulled his barstool close. "If you're my prag, what's that make me?"

"Dead." Beecher didn't smile.

********

Toby swung between worry and anger the rest of the evening. Stabler watched TV, totally oblivious to the turmoil going on in Toby's heart.

"We gonna lift weights?"

"Yeah." Toby groaned. He wanted to go for a run, but it wasn't possible. "I'll get changed."

"Skip the leather."

"Shut the fuck up." Toby slunk to his room. He looked good in those leather pants, and they made a statement. After last night, he should probably forget it. He wasn't young or hot, and he couldn't have fun. Putting on his shorts, he left off the shirt and went out to the weights. Stabler was already there - sweats and a wife-beater. Toby's heart wanted to burst into a thousand pieces. Mercilessly, he shoved Chris away. Stabler had a great chest. The muscle development was phenomenal. Toby did some stretches and watched.

 "Hey Stabler, how'd you get so cut?"

"You don't have to be in prison to lift weights." Stabler put the weights down and moved out of the way.

"It's hard to see you at a fancy gym." Toby braced himself, lifted, and tried to breathe. Fuck. He was going to have a hard time if he had to look at Stabler.

"There are weights at the house." Stabler helped him on the last rep. "Your form wasn't all that great."

Toby knew that. He'd been wishing he could lick the sweat off Stabler's nipples. Stabler lay down to do his reps, and Toby nearly straddled him. This was fucking ridiculous. Toby groaned softly. "I don't think I can do this tonight."

Stabler finished and sat up. "I know you've been upset, but think about nothing. It works for me."

"Right." Toby did his next set and shut his eyes to do them properly. It blocked out the sight but not the smell. He did one less than the last set, quitting when his muscles failed. Stabler racked the weights. Toby got off the bench and waited for him. Stabler stepped close, and Toby put his hand on a very broad chest.

"I think that falls into the inappropriate category." Stabler didn't move or hit him though.

Toby felt the big heart thumping. He cocked his head and remembered. It wasn't the same. The exterior was similar, but the guts were different. Poor Chris.

"You're starting to worry me."

Toby moved and spotted him as he did his reps. His hand tingled from the feel of the flesh, and he wanted more. "You hugged me first."

"True." Stabler put the weights down carefully. "Friends do that."

"Friends, huh?" Toby took the spot and started. He didn't stop until his arms let him down. Stabler pulled him up. Toby breathed deeply. "You do realize that I'm a skel."

Stabler nodded. They were close again. "I'm a hack."

"No. You're a detective." Toby shuddered and laid his head on Stabler's chest. "I know you don't want this, but can I rest here for a second?"

Stabler took a deep breath, and his heart beat in a steady rhythm. His hands rested on Toby's upper arms. "I guess, but don't tell the guys."

"I promise." Toby breathed. For the first time in years, he was safe.

********

Stabler leaned back in his chair and tried to look like he was studying his computer screen. He wasn't. He was thinking about Beecher. Beecher needed him. Need. Want. Desire. But mostly, need. It felt . . . odd. Not bad, just weird. Beecher had tried hard to do the right things the last week. No clubs. In by eight, and he didn't complain, but he had a look about him of a lost puppy. His brother hadn't called or stopped by that Stabler knew. That might be part of it. Stabler had tried not to make things worse for him.

"Detective?"

Stabler snapped out of it. "What's going on, Doc?"

Huang smiled. "Can we talk a minute?"

Stabler took him upstairs. "That is never good news."

"I heard that you're roommates with Toby Beecher." Huang got himself some coffee. "Is it true?"

"He's helping me out. Yes." Stabler didn't want coffee, and he didn't sit. He had a feeling he wasn't going to like the tone of this conversation. "He said he was seeing you today."

"Later. Yes. Before I see him, I want to understand the nature of your relationship with him." Huang didn't sugarcoat it. "Are you having sex with him?"

Stabler had known it was coming, but it still hit him hard. "No. Should I?" Sarcasm could be a wonderful thing.

"I wouldn't recommend it." Huang shook his head. "Toby has too many issues with Chris Keller. If you become intimate with him, he could lose control."

Stabler doubted it. Beecher held himself back every day of his life. Stabler shrugged. "We have dinner together. Is that too intimate?"

"Possibly. My recommendation is that you find another place to live. Toby has enough problems." Huang always seemed so sure of himself. "Will you?"

"I'll talk to Beecher about it." Stabler doubted he would. "Excuse me, I'm sure I have work to do." He went back down the stairs and to his desk. He wasn't sure he wanted to think about this. They were friends. Beecher needed him. That need must worry Huang. Stabler started some actual paperwork. He would think about it later. That was soon enough.

*********

Toby made sure his ex-tenants took everything with them. This was going to be Stabler's apartment, and he wanted it to be clean. It was a small place, but big enough for one man that didn't seem to own much. Huang wanted Stabler out of Toby's life. Toby knew why. Fear. It sounded stupid, but it wasn't. Huang was afraid that Toby would snap and shank the detective.

"Stupid," Toby whispered to the empty walls. "Chris, where are you?"

Chris didn't answer. He wasn't around as much lately, probably off pestering Sister Pete or someone. Toby didn't miss him. It was odd though.

"Toby, we need to talk." It wasn't Chris. It was Stabler, and his tone of voice was reluctant.

Toby always worried when Stabler used his first name. "Elliot. Elliot. Elliot."

"Are you freaking out on me?" Stabler leaned against the wall.

"No. You're home early. What? No skels to chase down?" Toby tossed him the key. "It's all yours."

Stabler put it in his pocket. "I thought, well, that you might not want me to move out."

Toby didn't want it to happen, but Huang had explained how good it would be in careful terms. "You can have the TV. I'll come watch it here."

"Really?" Stabler paused and shook his head. "No. I'll get out of your hair."

A knock on the door drew both of their attention. "Señor Beecher?"

"That's me." Toby went to her and automatically took the child on her hip. The little girl went to him with no hesitation. Her big, brown eyes had seen too much already. "Come to my place. I have cookies."

The little girl tried to smile, and her mother followed him. Toby didn't worry about Stabler as he found the child some milk and cookies. The mother looked tired, and she was pregnant.

"How can I help?" Toby meant it.

"My name is Maria Vasquez de Lope. My husband is cousin to Miguel Alvarez." She smiled tentatively. "He is in Oswald now."

Toby nodded. Alvarez would never get out, but what about her husband. "Your husband is doing time?" He wanted to be sure.

"Two years. Yes." She didn't look ashamed. "Miguel said you could help me find a place to live."

"I'll do my best. Which homeless shelter are you at?" Toby caught Stabler's eye. Stabler dug in his pocket and tossed Toby the key. He caught it easily. Toby listened to her and started making mental notes. Stabler wandered off, but it appeared as if he were staying home. Huang was not going to be happy. Toby sighed softly. There was only so much he could do.

********

Stabler got out of the way and let Beecher work. He would stay a little longer. Something else would open up or he could go somewhere else. Beecher tried to help people. It was laudable, and no one knew about it. He didn't do it so he could talk about it. He did it because it was the right thing to do. There was no convincing him that he was a good man, not after Oz, but he was.

"Stabler, can you help me get her moved in tonight? The shelter won't let us in after nine, and I have to be back." Beecher spoke quietly. He didn't look particularly hopeful.

"Of course." Stabler made sure he had his keys. "Why don't you stay here with the girl, and I'll go with her?"

Beecher looked at the girl, Stabler, and the mother. "Okay, but drive like you're off-duty."

Stabler nodded. He didn't want her giving birth in his back seat. "Got it. I'll bring pizza back with me."

"Need money?" Beecher always asked as he was pulling out a fifty. Stabler always pushed it away, but today he snatched it and put it in his pocket. Beecher's eyes widened. "Guess so."

"Might come in handy." Stabler smiled at the little girl. "Mom and I are going to get pizza, okay?"

She nodded. Beecher picked her up again. Stabler gave them both a quick hug and herded the mother towards the car. Beecher took her back to the cookies, and they sat together. Stabler shut the door and made up his mind. Huang could get over it.

********

"Who's Miguel Alvarez?"

"Lifer over at Oz. Not exactly a friend of mine." Toby zipped up his jacket. He was headed to the park for a run. "Don't get shot today."

"Don't get mugged." Stabler clipped his gun on his belt. "Why isn't he a friend?"

"He's Hispanic. It's enough in prison." Toby made sure he had his cell phone and a towel. He was ready. "Later." He didn't wait for a kiss goodbye. Stabler said something, but it was cut off by the door. Toby considered his leg well, and today he was going for a long jog. He needed it. The friendship that Stabler had given him weighed on him heavily. He had no illusions that he deserved it. Stabler touched him now, casually, easily, and it made him want to beg for more. Toby was good at begging. He hadn't done it recently, but he remembered. This time it wouldn't get him what he wanted so he wouldn't bother. It was tempting though. He could drop to his knees and beg until he was blue in the face, and Stabler would walk away with a sneer. This wasn't Oz, where a man had few choices and nothing but time. Toby stretched longer than usual and then set out. He was going nowhere today, but he was going.

********

Stabler went to the window and watched Beecher head for the park. For the last two weeks, Beecher had been right on the edge. He looked tired, drawn, even exhausted. It didn't make sense. Things seemed fine, but he wasn't. Stabler had come to the hard conclusion that Huang was right, and this was too much for Beecher to handle. It was time to move out. It was a damn shame. His cell phone ringing pulled him away.

"Stabler."

"I'll swing by and get you. It's going to be a busy day."

"Good enough." Stabler locked the door and headed for the street. When he got home, he'd talk to Beecher about getting a new place.

*********

Toby kept going past the point of pain. Part of him knew it was stupid, but the biggest part of him didn't care. Stopping was a good idea, and he couldn't. And then, he fell. His legs quit on him. Damn things. He lay in a heap, breathing hard and wishing he could sink through the grass and join Chris in that heaven he'd talked about.

"Hey, buddy. You okay?"

Toby managed to sit up. He nodded. "Yeah."

The guy stared down at him. "That's gonna make this tougher."

Toby knew what was coming instantly. He went for his cell phone, trying to avoid the fist that came after him. His head rang out in a familiar tune, and he lashed out. The fight wasn't much of one. He'd run himself into the ground and now he was easy pickings. The dark that swept over him meant terrible things, but he went into it hoping to find the answer to his problem.

********

Stabler looked up at the window from habit. It was dark. Well, it was ten. Maybe Beecher had gone to bed. Stabler was thinking he'd skip lifting weights. He was worn out from chasing around all day, but the perp was on his way to Riker's, and that's what mattered. He went upstairs, turned on the light, and got a Coke. Turning on the TV, he sat down to watch the news. He didn't think much until it was over, but Beecher usually wandered out to say something, even if he had been asleep.

Curious now, Stabler got up and went towards Beecher's room. One look and he knew there was a problem. Beecher never shut the door at night. Stabler pushed it open and groaned. Beecher wasn't home.

********

Toby didn't think he was awake.

"Come on, Beech." Chris was close. "Don't quit on me."

"Why the fuck not?" Toby groaned. He knew the answer. After living through hell, he wasn't quitting because of a mugging. No fucking way.

"Fuck the mugging. I meant Stabler. Don't give up on him."

"He'll never." Toby realized it was dark. He was in deep shit and going down. He'd never make it home, and he'd be back in Oz soon.

"Give him time to understand. He ain't gay!" Chris wrapped Toby into a hug that gave him strength and warmth. Toby shivered and hoped Chris was right. Prick usually was. Time. Always time. It was his enemy.

"Don't leave me, Chris."

"It can wait a little longer, but you have Stabler now. It'll take him awhile, but he'll find you." Chris laughed. Toby tried to get up, but failed. He didn't have the strength, but he would later. The night sank into his soul. He was fucked, but Chris was with him.

********

Stabler woke up on the couch. He had fallen asleep waiting for Beecher to come home.

"Toby, where the hell are you?"

Stabler knew he should call Johnson, but he hesitated. His cell phone rang, and he snapped it open. "Beecher?"

"No, it's Benson. What's wrong?"

Stabler paused.

"Spill it, partner."

"Beecher didn't come home." Stabler began to get that feeling in his gut.

"Did you call the police?" Benson wasn't being funny. "Check the hospitals? His parole officer?"

Stabler sighed. "I just woke up!"

"Damn." And she hung up on him. Stabler stared at the phone. He did have to make up his mind what he was going to do. He grabbed his things and went back to work. Benson would help, and they'd call Johnson.

********

"911"

"I found this guy in the park. He looks half-dead."

"I'll send an ambulance. Where are you?"

********

Toby knew he was warmer. It was something. He groaned softly.

"Any I.D. on him?"

"No. Nothing. Probably robbed."

Toby tried to talk, but he could only shiver.

"Who are you?"

Toby opened his eye. Chris was there, and he took him away again before he could answer.

********

"I'm putting out an APB on him," Johnson said. He put his hands on hips. "He's run off."

Stabler shook his head. "I don't think so. He went jogging. If he were going to take off, he'd have at least worn jeans!"

Benson put her phone down. "No one fitting his description was picked up last night."

Cragen came out of his office. "What's going on?"

"Beecher is missing. Benson and I were checking on him."

Johnson shook his head. "He's jumped. I have work to do." He strode away. Stabler spread his hands.

Benson stood up. "We were looking for him."

"If he's jumped, there's nothing you can do." Cragen held out a piece of paper. "Rape and murder. Go to work."

Stabler took it. Benson came over to him. "Let's go, but we'll keep making calls."

"Thanks." Stabler grabbed his coat. "I should call his brother."

"I'll call the morgue and see if any John Doe's came in last night."

Stabler clenched his cell phone hard. He couldn't think of Beecher dead. "Damn."

Benson reached out and grabbed him by the arm. "I know you're upset. I am too. We'll find him."

Stabler refused to admit he was upset to her. Beecher was in trouble, and Stabler would deal with it. They were friends. Friends. Stabler snapped open his phone. Friends.

********

"Hey sweetpea." Vern laughed. "Time for your fucking." 

"Let me mindfuck him first." Chris threw his arm around Vern.

Toby stared at them both. "Can you two give me a break? I need some sleep."

"He's awake!"

Chris kissed Toby hard on the lips. "I'm going on a short vacation with Vern. Kiss Stabler for me."

"What's your name?"

"Chris. Don't." Toby reached for him, and they were gone, laughing.

"Chris? Your name is Chris?"

Toby gasped. He felt so fucking good. He was alive again, and he wanted to giggle. Oh God. This was wrong. "No drugs. No drugs."

"Relax, Chris. We have you on a morphine drip." 

Toby looked down at his arm. No drugs. He'd be addicted quickly. He couldn't be trusted. Please. Don't do this. He ripped out the needle with one violent motion. "Fuck!" 

A nurse grabbed him. "I need some help!" 

"No drugs!" Toby struggled weakly with her. More nurses dashed in the room and pushed him down flat. "Please! No drugs!" 

"Don't fight, Chris. We'll take care of you." 

Toby fought the restraints until he felt the needle slam into his thigh. "No!" They didn't listen. They did what they wanted with his body. He arched his back and screamed, "Cunts!"

*********

Stabler worked the case and looked for Beecher. Unfortunately, only one turned out successful. They collared the perp, but Beecher was still AWOL.

"One thing we haven't done is talk to the 911 people. Toby went to the park. If something happened, there might have been a call."

Stabler seized on it. Nothing else was working. He knew Beecher hadn't jumped his parole. Something was wrong. Beecher was hurt or dead. Stabler knew it in his gut. "I'll do it. Can you handle this?"

"Go."

 Stabler didn't have to be told twice. The operators were always good to work with and there had been a cell phone call from the park this morning. Stabler listened to the tape. It could be about anybody, but it was Beecher. The operator gave him the name of the hospital the ambulance had transported him to, and Stabler was out the door. He made a quick call to Benson.

"I'm on my way to Memorial Hospital. They picked up a guy in the park this morning."

"No more details."

"None, but I have a bad feeling about this."

 "I'll call admitting." And Benson hung up. She was back by the time Stabler opened his car door. "Stabler, they did get a guy from the park. Police are investigating it as a mugging. He had no I.D."

"Anything else?"

"He says his name is Chris. That's all they have."

"Thanks. I'll call you from there." Stabler drove faster. That was Beecher. Damn it. He'd been mugged? He was tough enough to fight off three guys. What the hell had happened? Stabler parked up front and went inside quickly. He ignored the slight shake in his hands and the rushing of his breath. It had to be Beecher, and he was going to be fine.

********

Toby swam through a haze of wonderful feelings. He hadn't felt this good in years. Whatever O'Reily had given him was good shit. Nothing like a hit off a tit. Damn. Sweet.

********

Stabler went inside the room past the arguments of a nurse. His badge hadn't intimidated her. "Toby?"

"Chris, if Dr. Nathan catches you here, you'll be in the hole for a week!"

Stabler locked down his emotions. He took in the IV, loaded with painkillers, the restraints, and the beaten face with one glance. "Toby, what happened?"

"I'm not sure." Beecher smiled and his head lolled. "I better not tell."

Stabler turned as the doctor came inside. "What's his condition?"

"He'd lain in the park for hours. He's dehydrated, a touch of hypothermia, bruises, and a concussion. We had to restrain him." The doctor checked the chart. "He's delusional."

"You think?" Stabler unclenched his fists. "Get him off the pain med. He's an addict and can't handle it."

"He needs it, and I'm the doctor."

Stabler resolved to fix that quickly. "Where are the police?"

"They were here, but left when it was clear that he has no idea what happened to him. I'll give them a call when he becomes lucid."

Stabler waited until the doctor left to go to Beecher. Tentatively, he took him by the hand and squeezed. Beecher's knuckles were busted open. He'd fought back, of course. "Toby, look at me."

"Okay." Beecher focused his one open eye on Stabler. "Are we in lockdown?"

"No. You're in the hospital. It's Stabler. You went jogging. Remember?" Stabler pushed Beecher's hair off his bruised face. "You were at the park."

"I was? I do remember you." Beecher smiled. His lip was split. "I love you."

Stabler lowered his head slightly. The words hit him hard. Some part of his brain had known it, but hearing it was different. He could tell himself it was the drugs talking or admit it as the truth, and he wasn't a liar. "Did you see the guy who did this?"

"What guy?" Beecher shut his eye. "Chris and Vern left. It's just me now."

"Toby! Stick with me." Stabler sat on the edge of the bed and held him gently, but he was asleep. "Toby. Don't do this to me."

Toby smiled in his sleep. Stabler smoothed his hands over Beecher, checking him. It was bad. Someone had tried to kill him. Stabler saw the dirt under the nails and the broken skin on the knuckles. Had Toby been sodomized? It was possible. Stabler did his best to lock away the rage, but it was going to come out. He cared too much for this man. This man. Beecher loved him. Love. Shit. It was easy to talk about, but could it really exist between two men that had both been married - to women? He didn't know, but he did know that he wanted to take Beecher home and keep him safe.

"Stabler?"

Stabler's eyes flew to Beecher's face. "I'm right here."

"Thanks." Beecher seemed to fall back asleep. Stabler tucked the covers around him and brushed his lips across Beecher's forehead as if Beecher were a small child.

"Sleep. I'll be here." Stabler went over by the door and opened his cell phone. It was time to get a few things done.

********

"Toby?"

Toby didn't try to open his eyes. One wouldn't cooperate and the other one was too tired. "Yeah, what?"

"We're moving you. It might hurt." Stabler was a master of understatement. Toby gasped when the slid him to the gurney. It hurt, and it shouldn't have. Stabler took him by the hand. "Hard part's over. Now enjoy the ride."

"Give me another hit of that tit." Toby needed it. It'd take his pain away.

"No."

"Hack." Toby shut his lips around another groan. "Where's Angus?"

"He'll meet us there."

Toby didn't try to talk again. His lip hurt. Hell, all of him hurt. He quivered and leaned into the hand that hadn't turned loose. Stabler stayed with him, held him, and talked to him about stuff that didn't matter. Toby felt moisture trace down his cheek. Chris had said to give Stabler time. Toby could do it. He had plenty of time. Having a real friend was better than nothing, which was what he'd had before.

The ambulance ride didn't seem to last too long, but he might have faded out for part of it. When they jolted him out onto the concrete, he made a noise that was loud.

"Hang in there, Toby. You're tough. Remember?"

"Not all that much," Toby whispered. He reached and Stabler held his hand again. It helped. "Thanks."

Stabler squeezed. Toby held on tight while they put him in another bed, and he had to admit that he was relieved to see Dr. Saunders. She smiled at him. "Back to see me, Toby?"

"Unfortunately," Stabler said. "I'll get out."

"Good," Saunders said.

Toby hated to turn him loose, but he did. "No drugs."

"Got it," Saunders said. "You can suffer in silence. Silence. Don't forget it."

Stabler was gone. Toby wanted heroin or a shot of whiskey, but instead he started suffering.

********

"Slow down, Angus. He's with the doctor."

Angus stopped, but he was angry. "Tell what's going on. Now!"

Stabler maneuvered him away from the door and to a waiting room. Angus clearly didn't want to go, but he did. Stabler waited until they were seated. "Yesterday, Toby was mugged in the park. No one found him until early this morning, and then he was taken to Memorial."

"The worst hospital in the city! He's lucky they didn't kill him!" Angus got up and started pacing. "Now I suppose they're going to claim he broke his parole!"

Stabler stood and shook his head. "That's not going to happen. You have my word. Toby's hurt, but he'll recover. I'm sure you can see him when the doctor gets finished."

"Are the police investigating?" Angus got right in Stabler's face. "Oh wait, Toby's just a low life convict!"

"Settle down! We're working on it." Stabler had done his best. He would not feel guilty. Not much. And that for other reasons. "You have to be calm when you see him. He's refusing any pain meds and he's drifting in and out."

"Why?"

"He's afraid that he'll get hooked on them." Stabler eased away from Angus and got himself a cup of coffee. "They had him doped to the gills at Memorial. He thought he was in Oz."

"Damn." Angus sat down. He was calming down, and Stabler was glad to see it. Stabler wouldn't mention that Beecher had thought that he was Chris Keller. That had been a shock. Would Beecher ever forget him? Stabler could admit that he wanted Beecher to forget Keller. It seemed to take forever before Dr. Saunders came to talk to them.

"I want to see him," Angus blurted.

"Go ahead. I'll talk with you after I speak with Detective Stabler." Saunders nodded. "He's still confused. Go easy."

Angus bolted down the hallway. Stabler understood the feeling, and he waited to hear the bad news.

"Concussion, bruises, contusions, black eye, bruised kidneys, cracked rib, and he's going to need his cane again." Saunders handed him an evidence bag. "This is from under his nails. No evidence that he was sodomized, and he doesn't remember it."

Stabler struggled to cope with an overwhelming mixture of anger and relief. "Can he make it without pain meds?"

"It's going to hurt, but it's his choice. The idiots at Memorial had him on far too much morphine." Saunders shrugged. "He can go home in a couple of days. More than anything I want to keep an eye on that concussion."

"Thanks." Stabler stuffed the evidence bag in his pocket. They had a chance of catching the guy. "I'm going to talk to him and then go to work."

Saunders nodded. "Don't worry."

Stabler wondered what expression on his face led her to think that, and he went to Beecher's room. Angus turned away instantly. He'd been crying and was embarrassed. Stabler ignored him and took Beecher's hand one more time. "Tell me who to look for."

Beecher didn't answer for a moment. "I remember falling. Chris was there. It was cold, and I couldn't get up. That's all."

Stabler nodded and gave Beecher's hand a squeeze. "It may come back. Don't hurt your brain thinking about it. I have to go to work."

"Check on little Maria, if you get a chance." Beecher smiled a little.

"You're her source for cookies." Stabler laughed softly. "I'll be back."

Beecher turned him loose, and Stabler thought he saw regret in one blue eye. Angus stepped close. "Go on. One of his family will be here."

Stabler heard the condemnation. Angus didn't want him here, but Beecher didn't let it pass. "Angus, Stabler is my friend. He spent hours searching for me. Respect that or get out."

Angus blanched at the snarled words, and Stabler wondered how Beecher knew. Stabler gave Angus a pat on the back and left them alone. No hard feelings. Angus was very protective of his older brother, and Stabler understood that.

********

Toby eased down on his couch and let his mother and brother fuss. His mother was filling the fridge with more food than even Stabler could eat, and his brother was pacing.

"Toby, it's time for you to admit the truth and move in with us!"

Toby had known it was coming. "No. Thank you. I like my life here."

"What life?" Angus was on a tear.

Toby smiled at his mother. She was getting him a blanket. "Mother, I'm not cold."

She nodded and put it nearby. "Promise me that you'll call if you need anything!"

"I promise. I'm not worried." Toby gave her a gentle kiss on the cheek. "Mother, take Angus home and sedate him with your cooking."

"Toby, you make me crazy!" Angus stood over him with his hands on his hips. "You don't even have a cell phone now!"

"I'll get one tomorrow. No big deal." Toby made a motion towards the door. "Go home. Kiss my kids and tell them I'll see them soon. Mother, please, talk to him."

"I will." She got him water. "You rest, and I'll call Detective Stabler in the morning to check on you."

"Better hope he hasn't been on a case all night." Toby shrugged. "Angus, go home. Please." He heaved a sigh of relief when the door shut behind them. Today was going to be chaotic enough. Huang and Johnson both wanted to see him and Stabler needed him for a lineup. Toby flipped his cane around. He did have a life. It wasn't spectacular, but it was his, and he wasn't going to go home and live with Mommy like a good boy. He'd never been a good boy, not down deep where it counted. That's why he'd drunk himself into oblivion. Hindsight was always 20/20. Fucking annoying.

*********

"Have you found a new apartment yet, Detective?"

Stabler put down his pen and smiled up at Huang. "No, but thanks."

"We discussed this and agreed it was best for Toby." Huang frowned. He wanted his way.

"Toby and I are adults and capable of handling this." Stabler didn't look at his partner, who was listening with rapt attention.

Huang stuck his hands in his pockets and looked stubborn. "He can't handle it."

"Benson, what do you think?" Stabler threw the ball to her, since she was hanging on every word.

"I think Toby has difficulties with the fact that he's on parole. You're not home enough to bug him." Benson smiled at Huang. "My professional opinion."

Stabler checked his watch. "I need to go pick him up." He grabbed his coat and went out the door before Huang could say anything else. Toby needed him, and he was staying, for now.

********

Toby looked up from contemplating his belly button when the door opened. He hadn't been thinking of anything important - Stabler's smile was all.

"Ready?"

Toby used his cane to push up. "I could have caught a cab."

"I figured with your luck it would be driven by the one serial killer cab driver in New York." Stabler held the door open for him.

Toby limped through, but took the time to whack him on the leg with the cane, not hard. "Asshole."

"I told you specifically not to get mugged, but you don't listen to me." Stabler locked the door.

Toby laughed softly. He spotted little Maria down the hallway. "Maria, mi niña!"

She dashed to him, and he swept her up into a hug, even though it hurt in places. He held her, and she giggled. "Señor Toby, como estas?"

"Bien, gracias." He kissed her. "Donde esta tu mama?"

"Trabajo, siempre." Maria shrugged. She was a tough seven year old.

Toby put her down gently. He didn't like it when she was alone, but the mother had little choice after school was out. "Stabler, I usually watch her from three to six."

Stabler nodded. "I don't want to call child services today so I'm glad to hear that. Bring her. We have cookies at the house."

"Vamos, Maria." Toby held out his hand, and she put her little paw in it trustingly. She wouldn't mind, anything was better than being alone. It was something they shared. He did have a life, damn it. It might not be what people respected, but it was a life.

"Benson is right. I am never home."

"You just noticed?" Toby made it down the stairs. He ached, but he was moving. Maria tried to help. She was a good kid. Stabler made sure Maria buckled correctly. Toby noticed the quick rub on her head. She laughed.

"I'll drive safe, so get that look off your face."

Toby smirked. He hadn't been going to say much. They went in the back way, and Stabler went right to his desk to check his messages. Benson waved and came over to talk.

"Who's your friend, Toby?"

"This is Maria. I watch her in the afternoon while her mother is at work."

Maria smiled shyly. "Hola."

Benson smiled back at her. "Hello." She looked at Toby. "I'll keep an eye on her, if you don't mind."

"Maria, stay with Olivia, please. Don't take any orange clothes though." Toby leaned over and kissed her. "Okay?"

"Sure, Señor Toby." Maria smiled.

Benson glared at him. "No candy for you."

Toby patted Maria on the head and went to catch up with Stabler. "Elliot, do we have to do this?"

"Don't call me that at work," Stabler said softly.

"Sorry." Toby didn't understand why not, even Cragen said it occasionally. "Stabler, is this necessary?"

"Yes." Stabler picked up the phone. "Let me make a call and we'll go get it done."

Toby groaned. Gently, he rubbed the side of his face, trying to coax his eye open wider. It was a testament to Maria's life that she hadn't remarked on Toby's black eye and busted lip. She'd seen it before. Toby leaned against his cane. He was going to be tired when today was over. No lying awake wondering if Chris really had gone on vacation with Vern, and if so, when he'd be back.

"Okay, they're ready." Stabler took him by the arm. "You look tired."

Toby walked with him. Good thing Stabler wasn't rushing. "I'm fine. My brother was yelling again."

"I understand why." Stabler took him behind the glass. The screen was down, and Cragen and the attorney were already there. "Ready?"

Toby nodded. Stabler pulled it up and said, "Take your time."

Toby looked them over. They all looked about the same. "Have them say, 'That's gonna make this tougher.' He said it before he hit me the first time."

Stabler took care of it. Toby waited, listened, and nodded. "It's five. He should have a bruise or two. I'm not a complete pussy!"

The attorney blushed. Cragen laughed. "He does. You're not. Okay, you're done."

"Thank you, Mr. Beecher. You shouldn't have to testify. He did have your cell phone on him. We'll plead it out." She shook Toby's hand and left the room.

Stabler was back, and Toby whispered, "Wow, she's cute."

Cragen dropped the shade. "Beecher, you have to stop getting lost."

"I promise." Toby would have to hope for the best. He waited until the captain was gone before pulling Stabler to a halt. "You spoke to Johnson?"

"Yes."

"You really did? Not like the gun thing?" Toby was worried. He didn't want to get a new asshole torn today.

"I did! Or the bus to Oz would have picked you up this morning instead of your brother." Stabler glared at him.

"Good." Now Toby believed him. "You're a busy guy. No insult."

"Right." Stabler started walking again, and Toby followed him back to the squad room.

Johnson was already there. Surprise flashed across his face. "Beecher, you look like hell."

"Thanks, and yes, I really was mugged." Toby took Stabler's chair and sat down. Stabler was hanging out with Maria up on the mezzanine.

"We're going to skip the piss test since you were on morphine at the hospital," Johnson said. "But let's go somewhere private and talk."

"Sure." Toby smiled up at Maria and Stabler. Chris was right. There was time. Toby had to stop fighting it.

********

Stabler took them home and stayed. A few lost hours wouldn't kill him, and if anything came up, Benson would call. Beecher gave him several confused looks, but didn't say anything until Maria had run down the hall to her mother.

"Why are you here?"

Sarcasm. Stabler controlled the urge to kick the cane away. "I like Maria."

"Now that I understand. She doesn't know it, but she's going to be a lawyer." Beecher smiled at him. "Not a cop."

Stabler thought she'd make a good cop, and he wandered over to open the fridge. Wow. "Was Santa Claus here?"

"Yes. Disguised as my mother." Beecher took the couch. "I told her that you were on a diet, but she didn't listen."

"Good for her." Stabler pulled out a casserole that looked good. "What should I put the oven on?"

"Three twenty-five." Beecher turned on the TV. "It's nice having a prag."

Stabler laughed. Beecher was full of himself tonight, even though he looked exhausted. He hadn't cracked a joke in weeks; mostly he'd sat around looking glum. This was a nice change. Stabler stuffed the casserole in the oven and went to get comfortable. No reason to wear a suit around the house. When he came out, Beecher was watching the news - with his eyes shut. Stabler smiled at him, sat on the couch, and tucked him into his shoulder.

Beecher opened his eyes. "Ouch."

"Shut up and go to sleep."

"Thirty minutes is long enough on the casserole." Beecher got comfortable, wiggling and groaning softly in what Stabler hoped was pain. Stabler laughed at himself. He was cradling another man and worrying about a groan. Beecher sighed. "What's so funny?"

"Me and you. What are we going to do about Huang?"

"He's afraid I'll freak out and shank you because you look like Chris Keller," Toby said softly. "You should run for your life."

Stabler thought that was the truth. "You ever get the urge?"

"I run for my life every day." Beecher never opened his eyes.

Stabler draped his arm around him and chuckled. "Run faster."

Beecher didn't answer. Stabler watched the news and held him. There weren't any simple answers to this, but he wasn't looking for one. He'd take it one day at a time and try to make the right choices. It was all he could do.

********

Toby listened to Stabler's heart beat. It was soothing. This was alarmingly nice. Any minute, Stabler would shove him to the floor, but that was later. Toby made a promise to relax and let things happen, or not. If he really loved Stabler, he wouldn't force him to be something that he wasn't. Chris had taught him to take what he could get and enjoy it. It was still good advice.

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